Dad jokes chapter 12 to give you a lockdown laugh

Can you believe we’ve reached chapter 12 of the Dad jokes?

Yes, we’re keeping going as lockdown continues and grateful for your continued support.

Here goes again....

I’ve just ordered some castanets online from Argos. I’m using their clack and connect service.

An old chap’s wig blew off when he was on the sea front at Whitby. He called 999 and 10 minutes later the Yorkshire Hair ambulance turned up.

The fire alarm went off at the Black and Decker factory today. Everyone rushed out, but luckily it was only a drill.

A plan to form a new online charity, Apathy.org.uk. fell through when nobody could be bothered to set it up.

Henry VIIIth loved his women to be at his beck and call. And that was her downfall - when he called for her she wouldn’t run, she wouldn’t walk, she would just Ann Boleyn.

Did you know, Julius Caesar was a chiropodist? He said: “I came, I saw, I corn cured.”

There were two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and said: “How do we drive this thing?”

My rear view mirror fell off last week. I haven’t looked back since.

Did you hear about the old army dentist? Back in the day all he ever did was extract teeth and nothing else. He died last week and all his former patients gave him a 21 gum salute.

I hate covered walkways in monasteries. I think I’m cloisterphobic.

I called my plumber because everytime I used my sink I could hear a DJ playing nightclub music tracks. Don’t worry he said, you’ve got a mixer tap.

I’ve been trying the fabric conditioner diet. The doctor says I’m just comfort eating.

I lifted a very heavy colander onto my head. Lucky I didn’t strain myself.

If dropped, bread always lands butter side down. Cats always land on their feet. What happens if you butter a cat?

A white horse went into a pub and asked for a pint of beer. The barman said: “We’ve got a whiskey named after you.” The horse said: “What, Dobbin?”

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman says: “What an interesting pet. What’s his name?” “Tiny,” the man replies. “What an odd name. Why do you call him Tiny?” “Because, he’s my newt!”

My mate told me about a fantastic campsite down south that I should go to after the lockdown. I said: “Endorse it?” “No,” she replied. “It’s in Devon.”

I met a Dalek in the pub who claimed he was from Devon. So I asked him: “Whereabouts in Devon are you from mate ?” He replied: “EXETER MATE. EXETER MATE.”

Just paid £25 for a three-mile taxi ride to the launderette. I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners.

I used to be in a band called The Palindromes. Our first single was “If I Had A Hi Fi”.

*If you want to add your joke to the list please email ian.clarke@archant.co.uk.