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A bit of light relief - some jokes to help you chuckle during tough times

PUBLISHED: 12:51 20 March 2020 | UPDATED: 16:05 23 March 2020

Heard about picnic buying? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/DGLimages

Heard about picnic buying? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/DGLimages

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We’re living in troubled times with everyone’s lives turned upside down by the coronavirus outbreak.

You should have seen my wife's face light up when I bought her a fridge. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/monkeybusinessimagesYou should have seen my wife's face light up when I bought her a fridge. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/monkeybusinessimages

Clearly we’re taklng the situation really seriously - but we’re very conscious that we all need to have a smile too.

So, I’ve taken up the challenge from editor Dave Powles to share some Dad jokes.

Here’s the first instalment - with plenty to follow in weeks to come.

Worth trying lettuce rather than loo roll?. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/PosiNoteWorth trying lettuce rather than loo roll?. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/PosiNote

Anyone want to buy 100 Scotch Eggs and 150 bite size sausage rolls? I misread the headlines and thought everyone was picnic buying.

A lorry load of marmite has crashed on the M4 this morning...Police have said to avoid the yeast-bound carriageway.

Onion or shallot? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/ehaurylikOnion or shallot? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/ehaurylik

Panic buying is ridiculous. I’ve just paid £15 for Oxo cubes...The stock market’s gone crazy.

My mate just said he’s run out of toilet paper and is having to use lettuce leaves...Today was the tip of the iceberg.

Don't mix up glue and lip balm. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/Daniel SantosDon't mix up glue and lip balm. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/Daniel Santos

’Enter new password’ - ‘chicken’ - ‘Password must contain a capital’ - ‘chickenkiev.’

My mate bought a signed photo of Ronnie Barker and I bought one of Ronnie Corbett, both for 50p...So it was a good buy for me and a good buy for him.

I said to the greengrocer, “Can I have six onions?” He replied, “I’ve only got five onions and that shallot.”

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey.

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I bought my wife a fridge for her birthday. You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

I never wanted to believe that my mate was stealing from his job as a road worker...But when I went to see him all the signs were there.

Police were called to a supermarket today after a fight broke out over loo roll. They calmed things down and one person was left with soft tissue damage.

Have YOU had to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more? You could be entitled to compensation...Call the Pro Claimers now.

When you’re playing football manager and you can’t decide between tracksuit or suit manager.

Heard about the bloke who asked his wife to pass her the lip balm but he gave her some superglue instead...She’s still not talking to him.

I used to be a big Robbie Williams fan but that all changed when I started to study geometry and found that more interesting...I’m loving angles instead.

Our local TV weatherman has reacted angrily after being sacked for giving too many gloomy, frosty weather forecasts...No more mist and ice guy.

I have some racing geese for sale. Let me know if you want a quick gander,

Vandals have stolen the F from the Funfair sign in our town... Now that is just unfair.

A man went into a library and asked, “Do you have any books on shelving?” The librarian said, “Yes, all of them.”

And finally.....I missed the World Hairdressing Championships on BBC last night...Anyone know if they’re showing any of the highlights?


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