Time Norfolk: ‘She will always be in my heart’
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My granddaughter, my first grandchild and my daughter's first baby, was due in January.
The excitement and anticipation of her arrival was enormous, I had the rest of my life planned out with her, all the things we were going to do, the fun we would have.
On her due date, my daughter experienced reduced movements.
The midwife checked her and said that she was in early labour and to go home and dance and do the things that normally got the baby moving.
I was woken in the very early hours by the worst phone call of my life, from my daughter in hospital, telling me the baby's heart had stopped.
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I was hysterical, and went to the hospital along with the rest of my family. My daughter was induced and Lucy* was born asleep at 5.59pm, beautiful and perfect.
I have never experienced such pain and grief but I had to stay strong for my daughter.
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As time progressed, I found I was numb; I couldn't accept what had happened and my daughter and doctor said that I needed counselling.
I now accept that she died.
I have problems with forgiveness for the medical professionals who made mistakes earlier in the pregnancy, which caused the catastrophic loss of our baby, but I am calmer in my mind.
It is not an exaggeration to say that my counselling has saved me.
It has, mentally and physically. I was in a very black place. I now accept that it happened but also know that the pain, loss, loss of a future with her will never leave, only that it is now a part of me, part of who I am now.
She will always be in my heart.