The Museum of Failure – exhibit: one Lynne Mortimer

They'll never find us here...

They'll never find us here... - Credit: Archant

The great Easter egg hunt 2017.

Daddy and grandpa went into the back garden with approximately 24 chocolate eggs and assorted bunnies. They were gone for 20 minutes, finding inventive places to 'hide' the eggs while avoiding possible collateral damage to the perennials. They returned, flushed with success.

George, four, and Wil, two, armed with yellow buckets went outside to hunt down the chocolate. They were gone for no more than five minutes, returning buckets laden. And that was it. Maybe I need a bigger garden.

One of Wil's eggs contained a pack of jelly beans, which he appeared to be enjoying, popping one after another into his mouth. But then, about five minutes later he fired them out again like grapeshot and they stuck to whichever surface they first encountered. I had one on my sock.

He has been told to chew his food carefully and this may account for the time lapse. We gave him some lettuce with a burger (one of his five a day - the lettuce not the burger) and he chewed the leaves for a good 15 minutes before ejecting them, having decided, I assume, that it was never going to go away. There are some foods that just hang around in your mouth.


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My husband and I have a secret stash of Cadbury's eggs... they won't hang around. I eat them after my low calorie meal. It's all about balance, isn't it?

And how is my diet going?

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There is a successful Museum of Failure (a contradiction in terms, I know) in Sweden. It celebrates ideas that haven't worked out – such as my diet and the Colgate beef lasagne, the latter being an actual exhibit. The plan was that after eating the meal, you could clean your teeth. It was a brand extension that didn't quite work. The 'Bic for her' pens in sugar-and-spice-and-all-things-nice pink drew some puzzled comments at an online market pIace. For example: 'I am a man. Is it safe to use this pen?'; 'and 'I have started the menopause. Will I still be eligible to buy them?' to which the answer was posted: 'No dear, these pens are meant for people who still have something to give. You should get a nice, safe, blue pen, or knitting.'

But it's all right. I may be menopausal but I still have a sense of humour. I read the Museum of Failure is going on tour in which case I have a few suggestions for a number of great artefacts that might grace the displays.

n A box set of of the BBC soap Eldorado. I'm not sure such a thing exists although there is a compilation dvd of the 'best bits'. The drama serial followed the lives of a group of ex-pats living in the fictional town of Los Barcos on the Costa del Sol in Spain and there were around 150 episodes. After initial criticism, it did pick up in popularity and might be regarded as a lost treasure... rather like El Dorado.

n Sets of tiny screwdrivers from crackers. In each set there is one that grandma can use to tighten the screws on her specs but the others? Who knows what they do?

n Seventies disposable knickers. In 1970, aged 15, I went abroad for three weeks with my best friend Ruth and her mum and dad. My mum, calculating how tricky it would be for me to launder my underwear, provided me with a pack of disposable pants. They were made from a material not dissimilar to a papery disposable washing up cloth and the waist and knicker-legs were threaded with fine elastic. The problem with them was that if you pulled them on too vigorously, the elastic detached itself from the main body of the pants and you were left with a piece of elastic around your waist... and a washing up cloth. I believe it was on the beautiful, sunny Dalmatian coast (then in Yugoslavia) that something pinged inside my Levis and my knickers began to descend the leg pf my jeans.

n The mullet. This was not a true fail because for a ridiculously long time it was a very popular hairstyle. Footballers liked it; pop stars liked it but it is now the sort of hair-do that always gets a laugh at 70s/80s themed parties. Kevin Keegan and me? Peas in a pod, at the time.

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