‘Mum, will I die because I have a poorly heart?’ The question no parent should have to answer
- Credit: Copyright: Archant 2018
Norfolk mother Kyra Welch writes about her experiences with her terminally ill four-year-old son Kaiden Griffin. Kaiden, who grew up in North Creake, near Fakenham, and now lives near Holt, has a Congenital Heart Defect...
The past few weeks have been the hardest.
The harsh reality is hitting home.
Kaiden is becoming more aware of what's wrong with him and it's soul destroying.
You sat in the car the other day as we were driving along.
You were talking to me about your poorly heart, asking why your cousin could go on an aeroplane but you couldn't because of your poorly heart.
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You asked me if it would get better so you could go on one, it made you sad when I said you'd never be allowed on one.
And then out of nowhere came the question I never thought you'd ask.
'Mum am I going to die because I have a poorly heart?'
I'm sorry I couldn't answer you.
I'm sorry all I could do was look out of the front window and carry on driving.
I'm sorry I'm not ready to accept that question.
I feel like that day part of me broke, part of what was already shattered broke some more.
We just drove along in silence after, I kept looking in the interior mirror at you.
You were just staring out of the window.
A million miles from this place, I wondered what you were thinking about, but I didn't say a word.
I still haven't stopped thinking about it, that question.
I watched you go to sleep that night, I watched all of your little body struggled, I held you extra tight and gave you extra kisses but I felt so broken.
How could this five-year-old child be so aware of what was happening to him but never say a word until now?
I didn't cry when you asked me. I couldn't, it completely numbed me.
It's getting harder to live with, the questions you ask are getting harder for me to answer, watching you struggle is getting harder.
If my love was enough to save you, you'd live forever.