Dad jokes (chapter 11) to keep you chuckling in lockdown

PUBLISHED: 16:08 31 May 2020 | UPDATED: 16:08 31 May 2020

In one ear and out the udder?

In one ear and out the udder?

Getty Images/iStockphoto

And here we go again with some more cheesy Dad jokes.

That doesn't look like a thesaurus......That doesn't look like a thesaurus......

Thanks for your continued kind words about how they are helping you through lockdown.

Also I appreciate the contributions and I need to give namechecks to Brian Wild, David Woolfendon, Ian Taylor, Mike Dossett, Dave Hannant, Dave Murton and David Mantripp.

Right, enjoy a good groan....

Heard the one about the new house? It's another storey. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphotoHeard the one about the new house? It's another storey. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

A lorry carrying ballroom costumes has overturned on the A47 at Swaffham. The police are advising drivers to go slow, slow, quick, quick, slow.

Meanwhile, traffic police reported a Wilkinson Sword lorry had a near miss with a Gillette truck on the A11 at Cringleford. A police spokesman said: “Both drivers said it was the closest shave they’ve ever had.”

Think I mist the one about fog. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphotoThink I mist the one about fog. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Heard the lockdown news about the seven dwarves? After the latest easing, six of them can meet for a BBQ - and one of them isn’t happy.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

Ever been on a positive thinking course? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphotoEver been on a positive thinking course? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Someone told me to try horse manure on my rhubarb. I have to say, I still prefer custard.

I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?

Studies have shown that cows will produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

What do you call birds who stick together? Vel-crows.

I went on a positive thinking course. Afterwards I thought: “That was a waste of time.”

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Local police caught several Ipswich Town fans jumping over the wall at Portman Road. The officers ordered them all to jump back over and watch the rest of the match.

Meanwhile, the caretaker at Portman Road was watching a game at the ground. He said to a supporter sitting near him ”EXCUSE ME” (shouting very loudly). The supporter shouted back “WHAT”! The caretaker said: “Are you staying till the end? The supporter replied: “Yes”. The caretaker said: “Here are the keys. Lock up will you?

A friend of mine wanted a bigger home for his growing family, so he sold his bungalow and bought a house, but that’s another storey.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first.” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo”. He said: “You’re closest.”

Me: “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’”

Doctor: “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

Me: “Is it common?”

Doctor: “No, It’s Not Unusual.”

I tried to catch some fog. But I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism because of my lousy Marx.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!

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