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Dad jokes (part seven) to keep you smiling in lockdown

PUBLISHED: 10:52 01 May 2020 | UPDATED: 16:41 01 May 2020

Time to al-paca those bags? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/Marta UrbaDska

Time to al-paca those bags? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/Marta UrbaDska

Getty Images/iStockphoto/Marta UrbaDska

Well we’re into week seven of Dad jokes - and thanks for sticking with us!

Watch out for Mr Whippylash..... Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/uptonparkWatch out for Mr Whippylash..... Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/uptonpark

Your feedback has been very encouraging and I’ve appreciated your contributions (some of which are included here).

Right, here goes....

I hear the BBC and Hovis are working on a Jane Austen-themed period drama. It’s been named Pride and Bread-judice.

Heard that aquarium gag? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/TunaturaHeard that aquarium gag? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/Tunatura

A bloke’s car was hit in the back by an ice cream van. He’s now suffering from Mr Whippylash.

A lorry loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the A11. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

I'm only 40 love. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/Bobex-73I'm only 40 love. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/Bobex-73

A guy told me his wife was kicking him out because she was fed up with his South American animal puns. “OK,” he told her, ”Alpaca my bags.”

He’d previously had problems with his missus because of his obsession with tennis - and being too old. He told her: “I’m only 40 love.”

Time (or do I mean thyme) for a herbs gag? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/LiliGraphieTime (or do I mean thyme) for a herbs gag? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/LiliGraphie

They don’t show the Flintstones in Dubai, but Abu Dhabi do.

Tried a chicken tarka for my dinner last night. It was like a chicken tikka but a little ‘otter

Day 42 in lockdown and the dog looked at me and said: “See, now you know why I chew the furniture.”

My mate went to play his accordion outside the Theatre Royal. While he was playing, a policeman came along and told him he wasn’t allowed to do itthere and he would have to accompany him to the police station.

My wife told me I wasn’t very good at doing electrical jobs. Well, she’s in for a shock.

Thieves broke into the trophy room at Ipswich Town’s ground and stole everything. Police are looking out for a gang carrying a blue and white carpet.

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I asked my friend if he’s over his obsession with Tipperary. He said: “Still a long way to go mate.”

My friend arranged all his herbs in alphabetical order. I said: “Where do you find the time?” He said: “Next to the tarragon.”

It only costs 1p to get into our local aquarium, as long as you’re camping, or dressed as a dolphin. So, to all in tents and porpoises, it’s free.

Poetry groups in prisons. They have their prose and cons.

I used to have a hen who could count her own eggs. She was a mathmachicken.

Why was the broom late for the meeting? It overswept.

My wife gets annoyed if I mess with her red wine, so I’ve added fruit and lemonade to it and now she’s sangria than ever.

I used to work in a factory making snow globes and I fell into one of the machines. Luckily I wasn’t badly hurt, just quite shaken up.

Before my surgery, the anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

*(This is a true story). I had an email from a reader who is enjoying the Dad jokes and said he and his wife looked forward to them each week “along with checking the lottery ticket and Songs of Praise.” Thank you!

If you want to add your jokes to the list please email ian.clarke@archant.co.uk.

If you missed the first six instalments you can see them here:
One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six


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