Dad jokes (part nine) to keep you laughing as lockdown continues
PUBLISHED: 12:41 14 May 2020 | UPDATED: 12:55 14 May 2020
As the Prime Minister decided lockdown would continue, we’re carrying on with the Dad jokes.
I have to say a big thanks to those who have been sending me their favourites to include - special mention to David Wolfenden, Ian Taylor, David Tooby, Keith Lilley, Dan Grimmer, Joe Knee and John Ray.
Right, here goes with chapter nine....
Breaking news: A lorry load of sugar and a van containing strawberries have crashed on the A11 at Wymondham. A Highways Agency spokesman said motorists will suffer major delays due the enormous jam it has created.
Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It’s a double dip recession.
My mate was sacked from his job on the dodgems. He’s now suing them for funfair dismissal.
A bloke went into a fishmongers with a trout under his arm. He asked the man behind the counter: “Do you make fish cakes?” The fishmonger replied: “Yes.” “Perfect,” said the man, pointing to the trout. “It’s his birthday today and needs three candles on top.”
Heard about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is great but the atmosphere is rubbish.
My mate’s Dad invented the rear view mirror for cars. After that, he never looked back.
Lord Nelson was only five feet tall. His statue in Trafalgar Square is 15 feet tall. That is Horatio of 3:1.
I had to lug 20 five litre buckets of varnish up the stairs today. At the end I was feeling totally lacquered.
What has four legs, is green, fuzzy and will kill you if it fell out of a tree? A snooker table.
Two flies are playing football in a saucer. One says to the other: “We’ll have to play better than this next week. We’re in the cup.”
A guy I know is addicted to brake fluid, but he’s not worried. He says he can stop any time.
I got an odd-job man in but he was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven. I had to get an even-job man in to finish it off.
Someone keeps dumping soil on my allotment - the plot thickens.
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They built a new theatre in Barcelona but with only one way in and out. After the show it was chaos trying to get out. Just goes to prove that you shouldn’t put all your Basques in one exit.
My mate once met a girl who runs a battery kiosk in our local park. She sells C cells by the seesaw.
Email from the boss of a really bad carpentry firm: “If anyone wants to come and talk to me about my shoddy joinery work, my door is always open.”
Some bloke offered me a free gate last night. I said: “What’s the catch?” He said “It’s the bit that allows it to open and close.”
Heard about the man who used to have a girlfriend who shared his passion and interest in light switches? It was a bit of an on/off relationship.
A jumper I bought was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the shop. They gave me another one free of charge.
And finally, a bouncy castle owner has married a lady who runs a coconut shy. They said that it was fête that had brought them together.
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*If you missed the previous weeks, here they are: Part one
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