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Dad jokes (episode five) to put a smile on your face

PUBLISHED: 06:39 17 April 2020 | UPDATED: 12:42 17 April 2020

I used to work as a dentist... Picture: Harbucks/Getty Images

I used to work as a dentist... Picture: Harbucks/Getty Images

Getty Images/iStockphoto

Ian Clarke returns with his Dad jokes to put a smile on your face during these testing times.

Heard the joke about someone stealing my selfie stick? Picture: izanbar/Getty ImagesHeard the joke about someone stealing my selfie stick? Picture: izanbar/Getty Images

My mate rang and said: “My diet isn’t going well. I’m having five eggs for breakfast.” I replied: “What poached, scrambled or boiled?” He said: “No, Cadbury’s...”

I've just written a song about tortillas... Picture: carlosrojas20/Getty ImagesI've just written a song about tortillas... Picture: carlosrojas20/Getty Images

I used to work in a dentist’s. It wasn’t a permanent job - I was just filling in.

Accordion to a new survey, random musical instruments are being put into sentences without people noticing.

I don't like Russian Dolls... Picture: PIKSEL/Getty ImagesI don't like Russian Dolls... Picture: PIKSEL/Getty Images

(One for you Disney fans): Milly: Knock knock. Molly: Who’s there? Milly: You. Molly: You who? Milly: Yoo hoo! Big Summer Blowout!

I was walking past a pet shop. A sign on the shop front said: “Pedigree Netherlands cats for sale.” I didn’t believe they were from the Netherlands so I went into the shop and asked the assistant: “How Dutch is that moggie in the window?”

I keep randomly shouting at cauliflower and broccoli... Picture: Sandsun/Getty ImagesI keep randomly shouting at cauliflower and broccoli... Picture: Sandsun/Getty Images

I was in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribesman and said: “That lizard’s really funny.” The tribesman replied: “That’s not a lizard. He’s a stand up chameleon.”

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on Dereham bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.

The man who invented the zip fastener has been honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.

I gave my pet bird a haircut, and now he thinks he’s James Bond. He’s certainly a shorn canary.

I hear Ipswich Town Football Club is being bought by Sheik Anvac who is promising to “put the freshness back” into the Tractor Boys.

To the person who stole my selfie stick, you need to take a long look at yourself.

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The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

I’ve just written a song about tortillas. Actually, it’s more of a wrap.

I don’t like Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

Sad news that Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy,

I met a bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought: “That’s Abba-riginal.”

Two donkeys were standing on the side of the road. One said: “Shall we cross now?” The other said: “No way. Look what happened to the zebras.”

I keep randomly shouting out “Broccoli” and “Cauliflower” - I think I might have florets.

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It wasn’t her main present, just a stocking filler.

If you missed the first four instalments here goes!

Part one

Part two

Part three

Part four

*Thanks for the jokes you’ve shared and if you want to send any please email me at ian.clarke@archant.co.uk.


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