It’s that time of the week again - oh yes it is!
Unless Boris bans Dad jokes as part of lockdown easing, we’ll keep them coming.
Here goes for episode eight.
Our local vicar was unwell so his wife followed Donald Trump’s suggestion and injected him with Domestos. She’s just been charged with bleach of the priest.
I really don’t want to see puns about French eggs on Twitter anymore. Un oeuf is un oeuf.
Heard about the school nit nurse who was a huge Bruce Forsyth fan? “Lice to see you, to see you lice.”
Social distancing in my local supermarket is difficult as the shop is so small. It’s Lidl.
A bloke I know said his wife is going to leave him in the morning because he’s obsessed with Wham. He said: “Wake me up before you go go.”
My collection of wrist watches has been lost in Madrid. Adios Omega’s.
I keep having this recurring dream where I think I’m a horse. It’s happened the last five nights on the trot.
If I had to describe myself in three words, I would say: “Not very good at maths”
A physics teacher had a date with a biology teacher, but it didn’t work out. There was no chemistry.
I once got kicked out of the dentist for using all the nitrous oxide. Needless to say, I had the last laugh.
Has anyone tried Stallone’s scones? I heard they are the best thing since Sly’s bread
I bought a French impressionist painting, but my cat scratched it. So I’m now selling it on, as a clawed Monet.
Computer: “Create password.” Me: “Lager.” Computer: “Password must be stronger.” Me: “Export Lager.”
I’ve decided to devote my time to giving obedience training to seagulls and helping them find a similar partner.I feel that one good tern deserves another.
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out 13 and handed them over. “You’ve given me one too many,” I said. He replied: “That one is a freebie.”
My mate got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels. He’s the spokesperson.
Great news for insomniacs, only three more sleeps until Christmas.
We are about three weeks away from knowing everyone’s true hair colour.
Heard about an estate agent who is looking for a property for himself. He has cattle and is fond of wine - so he needs a byre and a cellar.
I went into Boots today and asked the assistant: “What gets rid of Coronavirus?” She said: “ammonia cleaner”. I said: “I apologise, I thought you worked here.”
*Thanks for all your contributions, If you want to share a joke, email ian.clarke@archant.co.uk.
If you missed the first seven episodes you can see them here: Week one
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