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Dad jokes (chapter 22) for a circuit breaker from the gloom

PUBLISHED: 12:46 15 October 2020 | UPDATED: 12:46 15 October 2020

The Daschund who swallowed a rubber ball will bounce back. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

The Daschund who swallowed a rubber ball will bounce back. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Getty Images/iStockphoto

With growing concern about rising coronavirus cases and more restrictions coming in, we all need a bit of cheering up.

Men love praise for their shirts. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphotoMen love praise for their shirts. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

So here’s our attempt at a circuit breaker from the bad news with some more Dad jokes.

My mate’s Daschund swallowed a huge rubber ball and has run away. The vet says his dog might be poorly for a while but will soon bounce back.

I've got nothing Toulouse with my new in France. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphotoI've got nothing Toulouse with my new in France. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He’s a Singer songwriter or sew it seams.

I once took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow. The chap said: “This is very rare, do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?” I replied, “Dunno, sticks I suppose?”

Boomerangs are Australia's main export (and import) Picture: Getty Images/iStockphotoBoomerangs are Australia's main export (and import) Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

I just saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes and rabbit’s feet. I thought: “Well he’s pushing his luck.”

A guy bought a Volvo from Neil Diamond on eBay. Swede car online.

My friend is a Singer songwriter. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphotoMy friend is a Singer songwriter. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

BREAKING: Nelly the Elephant has tested positive for covid. When asked where she got it from, she said: “TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP!”

Went into the barbers, I said: “I want you to cut my hair like David Beckhams”. He cut my hair and I looked in the mirror. “David Beckham doesn’t have his hair cut like that.” Barber said; “He does if he comes in here.”

Just been offered a job in the south of France. I thought: “Why not? I’ve got nothing Toulouse.”

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

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I spotted Ronnie O’Sullivan at the garden centre today. I think he was eyeing up a plant.

A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.

Give a man a shirt, and he’ll wear it once. Tell a man he looks good in it, and he’ll wear it for a lifetime.

Fun fact: Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs. It’s also their biggest import.

If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator. Soon It’ll just be water under the fridge.

My wife tells me I have two major faults, I don’t listen - and something else.

Just had a text from my mate. It said: “My girlfriend just couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes. In the end it Taurus apart.”

My mate’s wife knows absolutely nothing about football. He asked her if she rated George Best and she said she preferred Zippy and Bungle.

I said to the restaurant manager: “None of my family are happy with their meals. The meat is very tough.” He said: “Some people like it, others don’t. As they say, horses for courses.”

My mate always used to say: “Never be too quick to find faults.” Lovely bloke, terrible geologist.

Years ago a bloke met Freddy Mercury at a Belgium beer festival. He took one sip of his drink and complained to the barman, “Is this the real Leffe?”

*If you have any jokes to add, please email ian.clarke@archant.co.uk.


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