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Dad jokes (chapter 20) to keep you chuckling through the autumn

PUBLISHED: 11:29 28 September 2020 | UPDATED: 11:40 28 September 2020

Hear about the gag about the bread making contest? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/Choreograph

Hear about the gag about the bread making contest? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/Choreograph

Getty Images/iStockphoto/Choreograph

And the Dad jokes are back!

I was chuffed when I told my parking was fine. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/StephM2506I was chuffed when I told my parking was fine. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/StephM2506

We had a little break but as autumn has started and more restrictions have been introduced, we thought you might like a excuse for a chuckle.

So here goes - and feel free to send in your own gags for future editions.

Breaking news: From Monday all postmen will be working from home. They’ll be reading your letters and will call you if it’s anything important.

Watch out for those holes in the Swiss cheese. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/Tim UR/anna1311Watch out for those holes in the Swiss cheese. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/Tim UR/anna1311

And more breaking news (especially for those who like 80s music). Police are currently investigating a raid at Tiffany’s in London. The suspects were last seen running just as fast as they can.

I thought I saw a German sausage fly past the window. but it turned out to be a seabird. My vision really has taken a tern for the wurst.

Hear the one about the Spanish watchmaker? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/FluxFactoryHear the one about the Spanish watchmaker? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/FluxFactory

Recently I adopted a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as we got home he made a bolt for the back door.

My mate bought a signed photo of Ronnie Barker and I bought one of Ronnie Corbett, both for 50p. So it was a good buy for me and a good buy for him.

My eyesight has taken a turn for wurst. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/GeorgeDolgikhMy eyesight has taken a turn for wurst. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto/GeorgeDolgikh

“What do we want?” “More Mavis from Coronation Street impersonations.” “When do we want them?” “Well, I don’t really know.”

A bloke just knocked on my door, I opened it and he was about three foot three inches tall. I said: “Who are you?” He replied “I’m the meter man.”

I bought a vintage Rolls Royce, but my budget didn’t cover a driver. I feel stupid now, having spent all that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

The other day someone actually complimented me on my parking. They left a little note on the windscreen that said “parking fine”, so that was nice.

My mate looked in the mirror and said to his wife: “Look at me at my age. My skin is wrinkly, my hair is going and my waist is growing. Pay me a compliment.” So she said: “Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight darling.”

Did you know Karl Marx’s sister invented the athletics starting pistol? Her name was Onya.

Job Interviewer: “At the start you’ll be earning £20,000. Later that will increase to £40,000.” Interviewee: “OK, I’ll come back later.”

I said to someone the other day, “I’m going to enter my bread rolls in the local village bakery competition.” They said, “Seeded or unseeded?” I said, “Well, it’s not exactly Wimbledon.”

The first annual meeting of camouflage club was a disaster. It looks like no one showed up.

Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish? His name is Juan O’Clock.

When my mate’s children were young, they said, “Dad, we don’t like Swiss cheese.” So he said, “That’s ok, just eat the cheese and leave the holes.”

I watched a coughing contest on TV between residents of Botany Bay, Whitley Bay and Morecambe Bay. I love the Great British Bay Cough.

Just seen Elvis in B&Q. Returned a sander.

How do you give up in a towel throwing contest?

There’s an ancient neolithic monument dedicated to dad jokes. Groanhenge.

*To submit a joke please email ian.clarke@archant.co.uk.


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