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Dad jokes (part 19) to share during your summer holidays

PUBLISHED: 12:41 17 August 2020 | UPDATED: 16:29 17 August 2020

Hear about the Rottweiler who got thrown out of the karaoke contest?

Hear about the Rottweiler who got thrown out of the karaoke contest?

K2-Media

Once you’ve completed that “must read” book and finished chatting to everyone about the weather, you may need something to keep you amused during your summer holidays.

Seen that new book on turtles?Seen that new book on turtles?

So how about the latest part of our Dad jokes series?

It’s part 19 of the cheese-fest and thanks for the gags you’re still sending in.

I really thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to see a Monkees tribute band play in Switzerland. And then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

So why have elephants got Big Ears?So why have elephants got Big Ears?

Many years ago I went to a picnic with Errol Brown from Hot Chocolate. It started with a quiche.


How much fizzy drink can a tropical bird drink? Toucans.


Why have elephants got Big Ears? Because Noddy simply won’t pay the ransom.

What did one pebble say to the other one on the beach?What did one pebble say to the other one on the beach?

I got a job as a lumberjack. The only trouble is I can’t record my work on the iPad they gave me. I keep getting this message, “Sadly we don’t recognize those login details.”

My mate got struck by lightning while sitting on the toilet. He said it was a real shock to the cistern.

Hear about the golfer's dying wish?Hear about the golfer's dying wish?

The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone. He said: “Fine. Suit yourself.”

My friend got thrown out of the cinema yesterday for taking his own food. He said: “Come on, the prices are way too high. Plus I haven’t had a barbecue in months.”

Bought a new shrub trimmer today. I proudly it showed my son. “Check this out!” I said. He replied: “That’s great dad.” I said: “It’s cutting hedge technology.”

I saw a man walking down the road with a sign under his arm that read: “& Emergency”. “Where did you get that from?” I asked. He said: “I found it by Accident.”

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My mate’s grandad was a fantastic golfer. His dying wish was to be buried under our local shop. He’s now six under Spar.

I’ve been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I’m getting really fed up. It keeps asking me: ‘Where do you want to go?’ So I click on the icon that says: ‘Home’ and then it makes me start all over again.

My friend’s Rottweiler was thrown out of the pub last night for singing: “It’s Oh So Quiet” in the karaoke contest. His Bjork is a lot worse than his bite.

Apparently, there’s a patron saint of security cameras. Yes, St Francis of a CCTV.

Saw a baguette at the zoo. It was bread in captivity.

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree! We’re saved!” he said. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets. It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

Two pebbles on a beach. First one says: “Are you married?” Second one replies: “No I’m shingle.”

The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle. It was a vile inn.

If Bing Crosby was so great, imagine how good Google Crosby would have been?

I went to the book store and asked if they had anything on turtles? The owner said: “Hardback?” I replied: “Yes, with little legs.”

*If you want to add your jokes to the list, please email ian.clarke@archant.co.uk.


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