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Dad jokes part 15 (some to share down the pub when it reopens)

Hear the one about Farmer Geddon? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Hear the one about Farmer Geddon? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

katrinaelena

Now the government has announced that pubs can reopen, you may want a gag or two to share with your friends as you meet up again for the first time since lockdown,

An area has been coned off after an ice cream van crash. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphotoAn area has been coned off after an ice cream van crash. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

So here goes with chapter 15 of Dad jokes.....

The government in Egypt has instructed the city’s taxi drivers to travel around Cairo sounding their horns. It’s hoped that a return to familiar noises will help restore calm after the pandemic. Operation Toot N Calm Em will last for one week.

New advice has gone out to drivers in Cairo: Picture: Getty Images/iStockphotoNew advice has gone out to drivers in Cairo: Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

A flying insect was apprehended in the offices of MI5 yesterday. He’s avoided all questions about why he was there, but it’s strongly suspected that he’s the Cagey Bee.

During a safety meeting at work, I was asked: “What steps would you take in event of a fire?” Apparently “really big ones” was not the right answer.

What's Dracula's favourite type of coffee? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphotoWhat's Dracula's favourite type of coffee? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

When the leader of the philharmonic orchestra failed to appear for the 144th time they sacked him for gross miss conduct.

I regret rubbing baked beans in my eyes, but that’s Heinz sight.

And so I popped into my local record store.... Picture: Getty Images/iStockphotoAnd so I popped into my local record store.... Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

I was on a plane and the lunch choices were white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row. I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

I went into a record store the other day and asked the assistant what they had by the Doors. He replied: “A fire extinguisher and a potted plant.”

Fearing the wurst on an aeroplane. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphotoFearing the wurst on an aeroplane. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed. Sea kelp.

An ice cream van crashed down our road. The whole area is coned off.

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What does a lawyer name his daughter? Sue

What did the priest say after putting his plate together at the salad bar? “Lettuce pray.”

On my first day as a delivery driver for Mr Kipling I had to do an emergency stop. Fortunately the lorry had exceedingly good brakes.

A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me yelling: ”The end of the world is nigh.” I think it was Farmer Geddon.

I’ve been prescribed anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.

What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.

What’s Dracula’s favourite type of coffee? Decoffinated.

Did you hear about the chiropodist who struggled to understand social distancing? He didn’t know whether it was one foot or two.

Just had a text from my mate, He said: “My wife won’t let me play word games. There’s never a cross word in our household.”

There’s a protest in London tomorrow about cake decorations. Police are expecting hundreds and thousands to turn up.

Did you hear about the guy who keeps knocking over bookcases? He has poor shelf control.

*If you want to share a joke please email ian.clarke@archant.co.uk.


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