Dad jokes chapter 33 (our roadmap to laughter)
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The Prime Minister has outlined his roadmap out of lockdown and things are looking more positive for the weeks and months ahead.
But as we still have a little while left with restrictions, we thought you may still need a reason to have a chuckle.
So here's out latest offering of Dad jokes - enjoy!
There has been a surge in people falling in love and kissing through face masks. It's believed they have been struck by Covid's arrow.
A group of visitors were accidentally locked in a storage freezer while visiting the Colgate factory. Tooth company freeze a crowd.
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I failed my driving test theory. The question said: "What is a sign you may see on a country road?" Apparently "Pick your own strawberries" isn't an acceptable answer.
If a lorry carrying Vicks VapoRub enters the centre of London, does it have to pay the congestion charge?
- 1 Boss who boasted of lavish lifestyle is bankrupt with £100k debts
- 2 Police action over 'slavery' flag flying in Norwich garden
- 3 'It was divine' - Why this seafood platter is receiving rave reviews online
- 4 Garage owner has five months to clear site or face jail
- 5 'Shocked' couple almost given wrong Covid jab
- 6 ‘You’re trespassing’ - What happened when we gave Matt Hancock QEH petition
- 7 Owners put Tudor mansion wedding venue up for sale for £3.9m
- 8 Safety review promised as cyclist killed in crash is named
- 9 City draw up target list
- 10 Music-lovers' pub could be demolished for 23 flats
Just saw two birds stuck together in the garden. I think they're velcrows.
Never take your nasal decongestant to the capital of Iceland. It’ll wreck your Vick.
Could I ask the Prime Minister by what date can I stop wiping my shopping down after it’s been delivered please?
Feeling a bit fed up in lockdown and been comfort eating. Now my breath smells of fabric conditioner.
I recently published a book about poltergeists. It’s doing really well and literally flying off the shelves.
How did the priest get a negative balance in his cheque account? Clerical error.
I didn’t believe yoga would fix my posture. But I stand corrected.
My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance. I replied: "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone. That was nice of them to say.
Have you heard about the top secret bakery? It’s on a knead to dough basis.
I’m writing a book about all the things I really ought to do in my life. It’s my oughtobiography.
I thought I saw a frog wearing a pair of shoes, but on closer inspection it turned out that they were open toad sandals.
My mate's wife told him over breakfast that she was leaving him due to his obsession with Twitter. He nearly choked on his #browns
I was telling a mate about a book I'm reading on the Hokey Cokey. "Is that the one where you put your left arm in, your left arm out, in, out, in, out, and you shake it all about. You do the Hokey Cokey and you turn around?" he said. "Yep that's what it's all about," I replied.
Somebody threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at my head. It's OK though as my injuries are only super fish oil.
My favourite cookery teacher at school was Mrs Turtle. Strange name, but she tortoise well.
*If you have any gags to add to future chapters please email firstname.lastname@example.org.