Dad jokes chapter 33 (our roadmap to laughter)

Looks like Covid's arrow has struck.

Has Covid's arrow struck? Picture: Getty Images - Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

The Prime Minister has outlined his roadmap out of lockdown and things are looking more positive for the weeks and months ahead.

But as we still have a little while left with restrictions, we thought you may still need a reason to have a chuckle.

So here's out latest offering of Dad jokes - enjoy!

There has been a surge in people falling in love and kissing through face masks. It's believed they have been struck by Covid's arrow.

A group of visitors were accidentally locked in a storage freezer while visiting the Colgate factory. Tooth company freeze a crowd.


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I failed my driving test theory. The question said: "What is a sign you may see on a country road?" Apparently "Pick your own strawberries" isn't an acceptable answer.

If a lorry carrying Vicks VapoRub enters the centre of London, does it have to pay the congestion charge?

Would a Vick's VapoRub lorry have to pay the congestion charge in London?

Would a Vick's VapoRub lorry have to pay the congestion charge in London? Picture: Getty Images. - Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

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Just saw two birds stuck together in the garden. I think they're velcrows.

Never take your nasal decongestant to the capital of Iceland. It’ll wreck your Vick.

Could I ask the Prime Minister by what date can I stop wiping my shopping down after it’s been delivered please?

Feeling a bit fed up in lockdown and been comfort eating. Now my breath smells of fabric conditioner.

I recently published a book about poltergeists. It’s doing really well and literally flying off the shelves.

How did the priest get a negative balance in his cheque account? Clerical error.

I didn’t believe yoga would fix my posture. But I stand corrected.

My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance. I replied: "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone. That was nice of them to say.

Have you heard about the top secret bakery? It’s on a knead to dough basis.

Brother and sister fighting over freshly baked bread at the bakery

Information on the top secret bakery is on a knead to dough basis. Picture: Getty Images. - Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

I’m writing a book about all the things I really ought to do in my life. It’s my oughtobiography.

I thought I saw a frog wearing a pair of shoes, but on closer inspection it turned out that they were open toad sandals.

My mate's wife told him over breakfast that she was leaving him due to his obsession with Twitter. He nearly choked on his #browns

I was telling a mate about a book I'm reading on the Hokey Cokey. "Is that the one where you put your left arm in, your left arm out, in, out, in, out, and you shake it all about. You do the Hokey Cokey and you turn around?" he said. "Yep that's what it's all about," I replied.

Somebody threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at my head. It's OK though as my injuries are only super fish oil.

My favourite cookery teacher at school was Mrs Turtle. Strange name, but she tortoise well.

Mrs Turtle our cookery teacher certainly tortoise well.

Mrs Turtle our cookery teacher certainly tortoise well. Picture: Getty Images. - Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

*If you have any gags to add to future chapters please email ian.clarke@archant.co.uk.


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