Dad jokes chapter 32 (including guest appearance from Arnie)

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I hear Arnold Schwarzenegger loves an Easter egg. - Credit: Yui Mok/PA Archive/PA Images

Brrrr - it's certainly been a chilly spell and you may need a laugh or two to warm you up.

So here goes with chapter 32 of the Dad jokes which will hopefully help. Thanks as always to those who have sent some of the cheesy gags in.

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said: "I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is." He said: "You have to love Easter, baby.'”

Dracula was finally seen off by a squirrel. It was Tufty The Vampire Slayer.

Squirrel.

Tufty the vampire slayer? - Credit: Liam James

I rang up British Telecom and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said: "Not you again.'”

Breaking news: An earthquake has hit near a biscuit factory in the North of England last night. It measured 2.8 on the Rich Tea scale.

I’d like to tell some chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

Many chimney stacks.

Heard the joke about the chimneys? - Credit: Alan Thorpe

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Just gone online for a video conference call. A can of corned beef popped up on my screen - Must be a zoom meat tin.

When James Bond is abroad, is he known as +4407?

I was in the army once and the sergeant said to me: "What does surrender mean?" I said: "I give up!'”

A bloke said to me: "I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar." I said: "Is that a fret?'”

My mate's daughter was on the sofa reading and when time came he said "Time for bed, my lovely, the cows are fast asleep in the field." She asked "What has that got to do with it?"  He smiled and said: " That's because it's pasture bedtime."

Cows lying down.

Time for bed when the cows are sleeping. - Credit: Lee Freeman

One of the Russian acrobats in the human pyramid has had to give up - the troop don't have Oleg to stand on.

I was getting into my car, and a bloke said to me: ‘Can you give me a lift?" I said: "Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'”

I went down the local supermarket. I said: "I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it." He said: "Those are pickled onions.'”

My neighbour had a bag of cement fall on his head. He was rendered unconscious  

Once my mate hit his 40s he bought a red sports car and started hanging around maternity wards offering to help deliver babies. He was having a midwife crisis.

I’ve got a Charles Dickens spice rack. It has the best of thymes and the worst of thymes.

I buy all my classical music CDs through the mail and delivered in a padded envelope. Bach in a jiffy.

My mate is a London taxi driver, we call him Robin Hood as he only drives between Bow and Harrow.

My friend who is a snake charmer is marrying an undertaker. I've bought them some Hiss & Hearse towels as a wedding gift.

My pet snake has just got a job with the Inland Revenue. He's a Civil Serpent.

I’ve got a bottle of Newcastle Brown stuck in my foot. The doctor says it’s an ingrowing toon ale.

*If you want to send in corny crackers to add to future chapters, please email ian.clarke@archant.co.uk.

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