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Dad jokes (chapter 25) to keep you smiling in lockdown 2

PUBLISHED: 15:11 06 November 2020 | UPDATED: 16:23 06 November 2020

Went to the pharmacy and got a Puss In Boots. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Went to the pharmacy and got a Puss In Boots. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Getty Images/iStockphoto

Here we go again...

Lots of Dad jokes to share with your best friends. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphotoLots of Dad jokes to share with your best friends. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

The Dad jokes started in this newspaper when the first lockdown came in as a way of lifting the mood.

So, as we go through lockdown two, hopefully these will help put a smile on people’s faces.

My mate and his girlfriend went on their ninth date to see the latest Batman film. Their dates so far can be summarised as follows: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman.

Did you hear about the mobile phone wedding? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphotoDid you hear about the mobile phone wedding? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Years ago I went to an Elton John concert and when it started to rain, so I tried to get my waterproof hat from my rucksack. Unfortunately the wind caught it and blew it away like a Kangol in the wind.

A woman took her daughter shopping in the city and they went to the pharmacists to buy toiletries. They saw a cat wandering around and assumed it was stray and took it home. When they got back the little girl said: “Look Dad - we got a puss in Boots.”

Got myself a lawnmooer. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphotoGot myself a lawnmooer. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

A husband had an accident with a vacuum cleaner and was taken to hospital. When his wife telephoned the hospital to find out how he was doing, she was told he is picking up nicely.

Juan had a childhood friend also called Juan. As they grew up, their lives took very different paths. Juan studied and became a successful lawyer while Juan got in with a bad crowd. When the rogue was arrested he contacted Juan to be his lawyer. On his way out to see him, his mother said: “Bye Juan, get Juan free.”

Heard the one about the monkey in bath? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphotoHeard the one about the monkey in bath? Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

A man went to doctor and said: “I’ve not been feeling well, what can you recommend?” The doctor said: “Best thing for you is to complete a marathon.” The man replied: “A marathon? That’s well out of my league.” The doctor added: “Well, I guarantee you’ll feel better in the long run.”

Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: “oo, oo, oo, aah,aah,aah” The other monkey said: “Put some cold water in then.”

Doctor's advice is to run a marathon. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphotoDoctor's advice is to run a marathon. Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

My friend has a pet cow to keep his lawn trimmed. It is a lawnmooer.

Breaking news: The origami museum has been broken into. More later as the story unfolds.

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Place a one foot cube of concrete in your lounge and walk round it two times a day. If a doctor asks if you have much exercise you can respond with: “I walk round the block twice a day.”

I am during the lockdown modifying a car to be driven by a washing machine motor. I’m taking it for a spin shortly.

Someone just messaged me to ask if I had any more puns about onions for him. I said “No, that’s shallot.”

Do air stewards and stewardesses wear plane clothes?

If you go for a job as a painter at an aircraft factory and get it have you passed the interview with flying colours?

I was thrown out of the audience of a Shakespearean play for behaving bardly.

I’m off to play a game of chess with a friend from Prague. He’s my check mate.

A friend told me an onion is the only vegetable that makes you cry so I hit him with a parsnip – that made his eyes water.

On Google I searched for lighters and it gave me 13,678 matches.

My mate had a mobile phone wedding - poor reception and one small bar in the corner.

I had to admire the bravery of the two men who erected the weather vane on Norwich Cathedral. or me, it was a steeple two far.

*If you have any jokes to add for future editions, email ian.clarke@archant.co.uk.


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