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Dad jokes (chapter 21) to help you through the long nights

PUBLISHED: 10:31 09 October 2020 | UPDATED: 10:31 09 October 2020

Where do you go for a peek-a-boo injury?

Where do you go for a peek-a-boo injury?

diego_cervo

The nights are getting longer and the summer has well and truly gone - so let’s hope some Dad jokes can raise a smile.

My mate is in hospital after swallowing maggots....My mate is in hospital after swallowing maggots....

Thanks for all the offerings you’ve sent in - keep them coming!

Here goes with episode 21....

Now we are into October, I’ve put up a marquee in my garden with flashing lights and funky music. Is this the winter of my disco tent?

Something fishy about my answer when I went for a job at my local supermarket.Something fishy about my answer when I went for a job at my local supermarket.

At this rate, on October 31 forget trick or treat - kids will be ringing the doorbell saying: “Track and Trace.”

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, Jack did not follow the one way system up the hill, ignored the hand wash station and wore his mask under his nose, so was politely asked to leave the hill.

I just can't get rid of my old boomerang.I just can't get rid of my old boomerang.

Does Hank Marvin get offered a sandwich every time he introduces himself?

I wanted to set up the hide and seek world championships, but good players are hard to find!

Not sure trick or treating will be a thing this year.Not sure trick or treating will be a thing this year.

A fire broke out recently in a theatre in a small town in northern Spain. It started on the stage so the whole audience had to escape by the back door. It just goes to show that you shouldn’t put all your Basques in one exit.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.

My mate’s son Luke loves that he named his children after Star Wars characters. His daughter Chewbacca isn’t so chuffed.

A guy I know went fishing yesterday and ate his maggots by mistake. Now he’s waiting in hospital with baited breath.

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Just had a message from my mate. He said: “Last night my neighbour yelled at her kids so loud that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.”

I went for a job at the fish counter in the local supermarket. The boss said I could have the job if I could name three fishes beginning with “K.” I said: “Killer Shark,” “King Haddock” and “Kilmarnock.” He said: “Kilmarnock?” “Yes, I said it’s a plaice, in Scotland.”

Patient: “Doctor, Doctor, I keep comparing things with other things for the purpose of clarification.” Doctor: “Ah, I think you may have analogy”.

I’ve brought a new boomerang. The only problem now, I don’t know how to throw the old one away.

My mate is in trouble. His local pub announced a £100 prize for the best Halloween outfit in an early October 31 party. His wife only went and won it. She wasn’t too happy though. She’d only gone to pick him up.

I’ve had it with Amazon - Every time I order some chicken pellets I get an email few days later asking for their feed back.

Just been offered eight legs of venison for £70. Is that two deer?

Where do you take someone who has been injured in a peek-a-boo accident? To the ICU.

I do regret rubbing baked beans in my eyes, but that’s Heinz sight.

A few years ago, I was talking to a good old Norfolk gal who had just come back from a holiday in Gloucestershire. “Oh, did you go to Bourton on the Water?” I asked. “No she said, I don’t like going on boats.”

Man went into Thornes nuts and bolts section and said to a member of staff: “Can I have a pound of bananas please?” Staff: “Sorry sir, we don’t sell bananas. Thorne’s is a hardware shop, not a greengrocers.” Bloke: “OK, can I have some apples then?” Staff: “As I said sir, we sell hardware, not fruit.” Bloke: “OK, what about pears then?” Staff: “Right that’s it, if you ask one more time for any item of fruit I will take a six inch nail and hammer your hands to the counter.” Bloke: “OK. Can I have three six inch nails please.” Staff: “Sorry sir, we appear to be out of stock.” Bloke: “Two pounds of bananas then please.”

*If you have any Dad jokes to submit, please email ian.clarke@archant.co.uk.


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