Dad jokes chapter 28 (including the first few Christmas gags)

Children window shopping on traditional Christmas market in Germany on snowy winter day. 

Children window shopping on traditional Christmas market in Germany on snowy winter day. - Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

The prime minister has told us it's the season to be jolly careful - however, hopefully we can all be a bit jolly too.

We're holding off going full on in to all Christmas Dad jokes this week, but there a few included (and lots more to come in future chapters).

Thanks again for all those gags you've sent in.

Why is Santa down on numbers in his workshop this year? Because so many of his helpers have had to elf isolate.

Father Christmas reading a list of good children to little elf by fireplace and Christmas tree.

Father Christmas reading a list of good children to little elf by fireplace and Christmas tree. - Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the ARRRRRR rating had gone up.

A pirate cartoon.

A pirate cartoon. - Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

A man was in court today for stealing an advent calendar. The judge gave him 25 days.Two Scotsmen stood looking at the imposing front of a large building in London. The corner stone bore the date in Roman numerals, MCMIV. " Look at that," said one proudly, "I've never heard of McMiv before but here's a Scotsman who's got his name on one of the finest buildings in London. You can't keep our lads down."

Patient: "I've got a pain in my left foot." Doctor.: "Don't worry, it's just old age." Patient: "In that case, why doesn't my right foot hurt, I've had it just as long?"

Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C? Because you can't C in the dark.

We had a painter and decorator round this week who is a furloughed airline pilot. He made a lovely job of the landing.

A painter and decorator.

A painter and decorator. - Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

My mate has never been married - but he's a few near Mrs.

Most Read

Just had a text from a friend: "My nephew wants a train set for Christmas but I can't get one anywhere - so I got him a replacement bus service instead."

I asked my solicitor: "How much do you charge?" He said: "£100 for three questions." I replied: "Isn't that a bit steep?" He replied: "Yes, what's your third question."

How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited? He keeps a logbook.

Figures of Saint Joseph, the Virgin Mary and the newborn baby Jesus.

Figures of Saint Joseph, the Virgin Mary and the newborn baby Jesus. - Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Why couldn't Mary and Joseph have a conference call with the shepherds and Wise Men? Because there was no Zoom in the inn.

A traditional nativity scene.

A traditional nativity scene. - Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy.

What is Santa’s favourite pizza? One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even.

Who is Santa’s favourite singer? Elf-is Presley.

What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

What song do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow.

A happy snowman standing in winter Christmas landscape.

A happy snowman standing in winter Christmas landscape. - Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

What carol is heard in the desert? O camel ye faithful!

*If you want to add a joke for future editions, please email ian.clarke@archant.co.uk.

Become a Supporter

This newspaper has been a central part of community life for many years. Our industry faces testing times, which is why we're asking for your support. Every contribution will help us continue to produce local journalism that makes a measurable difference to our community.

Become a Supporter