Life according to Fleabag: our favourite quotes from the brilliant second season CONTAINS SPOILERS
PUBLISHED: 12:17 11 April 2019 | UPDATED: 13:10 11 April 2019
Fleabag series two finale: the best quotes from this year’s stand-out comedy, including Belinda’s monologue. The Priest’s command in the confession box, Fleabag’s rant about hair and Claire’s awkward way of telling her sister she loves her.
A broken soul, a broken pact with God, a broken family – it seems far too soon to say farewell to Fleabag, but how can you top the perfection of that wonderful second season?
As we mourn the loss of the best comedy to grace the BBC for many a moon, and look forward to whatever creator Phoebe Waller-Bridge has in store for us (and secretly worry about our sudden and somewhat inappropriate interest in men in the cloth) here are 18 of our favourite quotes to console yourself with.
1) Claire to Fleabag: “Positive energy takes work. In the last six months, I’ve excelled. I take all the negative emotions and just bottle them and bury them and they never come out. I’ve basically never been better.”
2) Counsellor: “So: why do you think your father suggested you come for counselling?”
Fleabag: “I think because my mother died and he can’t talk about it and my sister and I didn’t speak for a year because she thinks I tried to sleep with her husband and because I spent most of my adult life using sex to deflect from the screaming void inside my empty heart. [Aside] I’m good at this!”
3) Martin to Claire: “You want to know what the bassoon is? It’s a cry for help!”
4) The Priest: “Why would you believe in something awful when you could believe in something wonderful?”
Fleabag: “Don’t make me an optimist, you will ruin my life.”
5) Fleabag is talking about her late mother with her best friend Boo (also dead).
Fleabag: “I don’t know what to do with it.”
Boo: “With what?”
Fleabag: “With all the love I have for her. I don’t know where to put it now.”
Boo: “I’ll take it.”
Boo: “No, I’m serious. It sounds lovely. I’ll have it.”
6) Belinda is talking to Fleabag: “Women are born with pain built in. It’s our physical destiny. Period pains, sore boobs, childbirth, you know. We carry it within ourselves throughout our lives. Men don’t. They have to seek it out. They invent all these gods and demons and things just so they can feel guilty about things, which is something we also do very well on our own. And then they create wars, so they can feel things and touch each other, and when there aren’t any wars they can play rugby. And we have it all going on in here, inside. We have pain on a cycle for years and years and years and then, just when you feel you are making peace with it all, what happens? The menopause comes. The f***ing menopause comes and it is the most most wonderful f***ing thing in the world! And, yes, your entire pelvic floor crumbles and you get f***ing hot and no-one cares, but then you’re free. No longer a slave, no longer a machine, with parts. You’re just a person in business.”
Fleabag: “Oh. I was told it was horrendous.”
Belinda: “It is horrendous, but then it’s magnificent.”
7) Fleabag: “Do you think I should become a Catholic?”
The Priest: “No, don’t do that. I like that you believe in a meaningless existence.”
8) Fleabag to hairdresser: “Hair is everything, we wish it wasn’t so we could actually think about something else occasionally. But it is. It’s the difference between a good day and a bad day. We’re meant to think that it’s a symbol of power, that it’s a symbol of fertility. Some people are exploited for it and it pays your f***ing bills. Hair is everything.”
9) Martin to Claire: “I’m not a bad guy I just have a bad personality.”
10) The Priest to Fleabag: “Kneel.”
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11) Claire: [to Fleabag] “You’ll always be fine. You’ll always be interesting, with your quirky cafe and your dead best friend. You just make me feel like I’ve failed.”
Claire: “If you mention the size of my office, I will scream.”
Fleabag: “It’s huge!”
12) The Priest: “I’d really like to be your friend, though.”
Fleabag: “I’d like to be your friend, too. [Aside] We’ll last a week.”
The Priest: [spooked] “What was THAT?!”
The Priest: “Where did... where did you just go?”
The Priest: “You just went somewhere.”
Fleabag: [Aside glance to camera]
The Priest: “There! There! Where did you just go?”
13) Claire to Fleabag: “The only person I’d run through the airport for is you.”
14) Fleabag to the Priest: “No, I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning. I want someone to tell me what to eat, what to like, what to hate, what to rage about, what to listen to, what band to like, what to buy tickets for, what to joke about, what not to joke about. I want someone to tell me what to believe in, who to vote for, and who to love, and how to tell them. I just think I want someone to tell me how to live my life, Father, because so far I think I’ve been getting it wrong. And I know that’s why people want people like you in their lives. Because you just tell them how to do it. You just tell them what to do, and what they’ll get out of the end of it. Even though I don’t believe your bulls**t, and I know that scientifically nothing I do makes any difference in the end anyway, I’m still scared! Why am I still scared?! So just tell me what to do. Just f***ing tell me what to do, Father!
15) Fleabag’s Dad to Fleabag: “I think you know how to love better than any of us. That’s why you find it all so painful.”
16) The Priest at Fleabag’s Dad and Fleabag’s Godmother’s wedding: “Love is awful. It’s painful. Frightening. It makes you doubt yourself, judge yourself, distance yourself from the other people in your life. Makes you selfish, makes you creepy, makes you obsessed with your hair. It takes strength to know what’s right. And love isn’t something that weak people do. Being a romantic takes a hell of a lot of hope. I think what they mean is, when you find somebody that you love, it feels like hope.”
17) Stepmother (realising she doesn’t know her fiance’s first name): “I always call you darling!”
18) Fleabag: “Let’s just leave that out there just for a second on its own: I love you.”
The Priest: “It’ll pass.”
* Fleabag series one and two are now available on BBC iPlayer.
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