On the ball, Mayhem Parva FC...

PUBLISHED: 09:41 13 May 2018

Demonstrating some silky skills in the Muckwash Magna & District League... well, according to Keith Skipper, anyway.

Demonstrating some silky skills in the Muckwash Magna & District League... well, according to Keith Skipper, anyway.


What sort of football team puts David Beckham, Grant Holt and Teddy Sheringham on the subs’ bench? A Norfolk-themed one, says Keith Skipper

Norfolk soccer’s top brass are blowing the whistle on expensive foreign imports. Will the riches-riddled Premier League dare follow suit?

In a bold and imaginative experiment centred on village club Mayhem Parva FC, next season will see homespun players only on parade wherever possible in the Muckwash Magna & District League (sponsored by Swedebasher Wines).

“It’s back to proper grass-roots football nourished on loyalty and long-term commitment,” says club chairman Dick Barton Bendish, a former free-kick specialist who has been at Hemlock Meadow for more than 30 years.

“Local pride should be the spur rather than financial inducements like placing fivers in players’ boots. It only slows them down. And our new approach must cut down on travelling expenses,” adds chief shareholder, part-time referee, turnstile attendant and orange peeler Billy Blo’ Norton.

“I agreed to this system when I realised we could model a side around Beckham, Sheringham and Holt. Just a pity there isn’t a free-scoring striker called Mundesley, a midfield dynamo answering to the name of Cromer and a tough defender christened Beeston Regis,” offers manager Ron Ashmanhaugh.

He has already chosen a squad for pre-season friendly fixtures in August against Stowmarket Eurosceptics, Newmarket Gallopers and Southwold Academicals. The party underlines the exclusive Norfolk flavour being lauded, although more experienced players will be confined to the substitutes’ bench “in the name of fairness”.

A 4-4-2 formation is likely to read: Ormesby St Schmeichel; Barney Booton, Porky Hedenham, Stomper Waxham, Limpy Croxton; Razor Rougham, Tiger Tacolneston, Slippy Hackford, Syd Seething; Lanky Lopham, Swift Sloley. Subs: David Beckham, Grant Holt, Teddy Sheringham, Arnold Stoke-Holy-Cross, Cruncher Trunch, Oliver Newton-Flotman.

A supporters’ charabanc will run for all three fixtures, leaving The Dewdrop Inn at 12.15pm sharp if the landlord has called “time” from the previous evening. Club colours of indigo blue and sunset red may be worn but no bird-scaring clappers or pea-shooters allowed.

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