I hate seagulls - but not as much as some idiots
PUBLISHED: 11:47 25 August 2018 | UPDATED: 11:47 25 August 2018
If you are a lover of David Attenborough - and let's face it, who isn't? - you probably think all animals are miraculous.
Fish or fowl, if they’ve survived this long – outliving the dinosaurs and Bruce Forsyth – they must be highly evolved, and just a little bit special.
But, animal lovers, after three months in Great Yarmouth, I have found a beast worth your ire.
It’s a chip-stealing, dive-bombing, head-pooing, insanely-squawking, living gargoyle.
I hate them, with an irrational fervour.
I started a new job at the end of May, taking up my post at the EDP’s Great Yarmouth outpost in time to enjoy summer at the seaside.
I’d been before, mainly to inhale chips and play on the 2p machines at the arcades (at the ages of 9 and 34).
I’d expected my first day on the job to be similarly fun-filled. Perhaps I could squeeze in a trip to Joyland?
So, as I took the five minute walk from my car to the office, I was in buoyant mood. I was probably whistling, maybe even skipping.
But that was all about to be shattered...
As I turned a corner on to a quiet residential street, that’s when it happened.
A gull pooed on me.
And not just a bit of poo, and not just from 30ft above, but a full machine-gun spraying of the stuff, delivered in a Messerschmitt-style dive-bombing, complete with an ear-piercing squawk, which almost made me copy his bodily function.
I stumbled into the office, shaking, post-poo trauma setting in.
But when I told my new colleagues, I was met with a shrug and: “Yep, happens all the time”.
It turned out there’s been a surge in gull numbers because of the long hot summer.
Competition for food has rocketed and the increase in breeding means there’s more young around, which makes the gulls more aggressive.
Unsuspecting members of the public had been wandering past unseen nests, and getting attacked for their troubles – exactly what happened to me.
But while that introduction put gulls in the column marked “idiots” for me, that’s where it ends.
Because we’ve also seen some horrific attacks by animals even worse than the gulls – mouth-breathing morons who think it’s okay to kill something just because it’s annoying.
If it was okay, Piers Morgan would have been killed long ago.
Instead, I – we – need to have a look in the mirror and work out what we’ve done to cause this problem.
So, by all means, hate seagulls.
But also, put your food in the bin, don’t encourage them, and have some patience.