Why we need a video replay unit at Fortress H

PUBLISHED: 14:59 17 March 2018

A couple having a dispute in the supermarket - would video replays be handy at this point?

A couple having a dispute in the supermarket - would video replays be handy at this point?

Denis Raev

Never mind football having video replays - what about married couples?, asks Neil Haverson.

I see the International Football Associations has decided to introduce the Video Assisted Referee; VAR. If you’re not aware of it, this is a system whereby referees can call on VAR to show a replay of an incident to confirm such things as whether the ball did cross the goal line or a player was offside.

I believe it has a domestic application. I’m thinking of introducing a variation at Fortress H called MAR; Marriage Argument Referee.

Just think how useful it would be in all those marital disputes where “he said, she said” type issues can’t be resolved. Things said in the heat of the moment; did you really use that tone of voice or, as you maintain, did you deliver your point of view calmly and rationally? If we could watch a replay that would solve things.

I’ll install cameras in the north wing and the kitchen. These seem to be the places where the most disagreements take place. Usually they start with something trivial; a word out of place or I’m in trouble for doing something when I should know better.

“I’ve told you before not to leave dirty washing up water in the bowl.”

Past offences are then taken into consideration ending up with both of us playing the martyr claiming haughtily: “I’m always the one in the wrong.”

Picture it. You’ve reached the post-argument phase. It’s bit like the pundits analysing things on Match of the Day.

This is when the original reason for the argument takes second place to recriminations on how you each performed. This is where MAR comes in.

“Look, Look! See how you snapped at me there. And there was no need to slam the cupboard door.”

“That wasn’t a slam, I just closed it firmly. Besides, look, I’m trying to explain why I got upset and you’re ignoring me.”

“Well, I did apologise. Fast-forward and you’ll see.”

“Call that an apology. See the look on your face! You didn’t mean it; that was just to shut me up.”

“Well you started it in the first place. Rewind and we’ll see who’s to blame.”

I did consider the possibility of saving the footage to my smartphone and showing it in the pub; exchange techniques with my mates. But if Mrs H found out I was sharing our disagreements I fancy it would cause marital discord that could be terminal.

If this pilot proves successful I’ll extend the scheme. I’ll equip us both with bodycams. This will solve disputes at that other regular battleground, the supermarket.

There I am, leaning on the trolley, admittedly just a shade bored. There are people who came in long after us and they’re already at the checkout. Mrs H is searching for the perfect aubergine. My patience is ebbing away and I’m accused of being ‘uncooperative’.

Following a silent journey home, we sit down to watch the footage.

“Why do you have to burrow to the bottom of the container? I can’t believe the best one is always at the bottom.”

“You’d soon complain if I got one that was overripe. Look at that couple by the sprouts staring at us.”

“They’re watching you having a go at me.”

“Well, just look how you’re standing there; a snotty expression on your face and moaning.”

Maybe this is when you should download it to your phone. Ask a member of staff for their opinion.

“Would a manager come to customer arbitration services to settle a dispute?”

Now, I don’t want you to get the impression that Mrs H and I are always arguing. Far from it; we live a harmonious life – providing I follow the rules.

But marital disputes are never cut and dried; often we both have a sense of injustice and watching a replay would show who was in the right.

Mind you, I know what we’re like. That would only lead to another argument.

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