Richard Madden is gorgeous in Bodyguard, but is it okay to say so?
PUBLISHED: 07:36 11 September 2018 | UPDATED: 07:36 11 September 2018
I got stung by a hornet yesterday.
I was just minding my own business cleaning my teeth in the bathroom when I felt a sharp pain on my ankle.
The damned thing had come in the window and just gone for me.
No provocation, just inflicting pain because it must have felt like it.
We all know people like that and how to deal with them, but when it comes to an evil insect, what’s to be done? (All anyone could suggest to me was ‘vinegar’ which I have to say achieved little more than making me smell like I’d been eating fish and chips all day).
Anyway, as a result of this vile experience, I was kept up half the night with alternating pain and itching, such that at 4am I could stand it no longer and decided to head downstairs and cheer myself up by watching The Bodyguard.
My God that is man worth getting up at 4am for.
I speak, of course, of Richard Madden, whom I have loved since Game of Thrones.
Dark and gorgeous, he also has the added attraction in this show of being deeply brooding and in the permanent sort of hornet’s sting pain that every woman watching is sure she could ease for him in a minute. (Calm yourself ladies, though I admit I’m struggling).
Is it wrong to have such thoughts about a man on the telly? I know I would be appalled if I saw a man writing in such a lustful manner about a woman on TV, but somehow there is a massive double standard here.
The same goes for Poldark, when all decorum goes out the window and women start flinging their pants at the screen and talking about scything and bare chests in a most unbecoming manner.
I’ve spoken to male colleagues about this and they complain that #metoo has now become so bad that it is currently impossible to compliment a female colleague on her attire, let alone ask her out on a date without fear of being branded the office pervert. (Though in my experience, usually if you are branded the office pervert, there is more than a ‘Nice dress,’ compliment at the heart of it.)
Anyhow, speaking as I do from a pervert-free office (of course), I feel the time is nigh to establish what we can and can’t do any more and which compliments are now acceptable.
Is it OK to throw your pants at the telly? (Of course. Who would know?).
Is it OK to tell others they look nice? (Yes, as long you don’t dribble afterwards).
Is it OK to tell people they look well? (No, because they’ll think you mean fat).
Is it OK to tell people they look tired? (No, because you really mean they ought to put have some make up on for the sake of all).
Is it OK to tell someone they are bubbly? (Again, this means fat, according to my colleague Louisa).
What if someone has nice eyes? (For God’s sake don’t tell them, as they will think you mean shame about the rest).
And after a quick poll of colleagues, these are the worst things anyone has ever said to them:
“You’ve got very study legs” (Don’t even).
“You’d make a good rugby player” (Thanks!).
“My wife wore that dress in her heifer years.” (No, no, NO!)
I’m not sure any of this helps solve the original problem of whether it is OK to express lustful thoughts about Richard Madden – who has actually complained that being objectified is harmful to his career.
“If people go, ‘Oh, you know, he’s that hunky thing’, then it undermines that actually I’m an actor, and I’m trying really hard to be good at it,” he has said.
This is a fair point of course which, if he was a woman, I would whole-heartedly endorse.
But I find myself only able to add that Richard you are indeed very good at it, and you being good at it is pretty much all your female audience can think about right now. (I guess I deserved to be stung after all!)
Does anyone have any cures for hornet stings? Or feel there is a double standard for men and women admiring each other these days? Do let me know at email@example.com