Flat pack fun with Jo Malone

PUBLISHED: 06:00 18 August 2017

Thalia needs a solution to her storage problem, but flat packs are possibly not the answer. Picture: Jo Malone

Thalia needs a solution to her storage problem, but flat packs are possibly not the answer. Picture: Jo Malone

Jo Malone

Flat pack assembly should be simple, especially when I have a six year old to help me

Hinge pins, male camlocks, female camlocks, dowels, front panels, back panels, shelves and various small screws…

We’re sorting through the various panels and fittings to make Thalia a cupboard for her room, and I’m learning quite a lot about self-assembly

So far, I’m realising

1 When I think 76 cms doesn’t sound very wide for a cupboard, I’m right.

2 The ultra tiny accessory baskets bought for the shelves are a good clue to the size of the cupboards.

3 I’m right when I think they’re not big enough for anything useful apart from a couple of hair scrunchies.

4 Don’t open the box with scissors; important pieces will be near the top.

5 Packets of screws are usually labeled with the right part number so they don’t have to be removed to be measured.

6 Sometimes the number will have got stuck on another packet and those screws you think are a large 12mm are actually 16mm.

7 There is no such thing as a large 12mm.

8 But sometimes when the instructions say 16mm they do mean 12mm, but not very often, according to the customer helpline.

9 The customer helpline people are very helpful, but, as they point out, they are on the phone and can’t see what size of screw you are holding.

10 Small children can lose screws, very quickly.

11 Give a small child a hammer and they will hit pretty much anything.

12 Small children can hit harder than you expect.

13 Hammer marks on a painted kitchen cupboard only really show in a certain light.

14 The odd dent here and there can be part of the charm of a family home.

15 I like assembly instructions with words as well as pictures.

16 A lot of instruction sheets don’t have words.

17 YouTube is fantastic for adding descriptions to diagram-only instructions.

18 If our rural internet was better I’d be able to watch a YouTube instruction video all the way through and not miss vital bits about camlocks.

19 Self assembly takes a lot lot longer than I can ever imagine.

20 Perhaps Thalia doesn’t need a cupboard, especially one that is a lot smaller than it looked in the picture.

21 Maybe all her toys and books could go somewhere else, but looking round, maybe not.

22 Now I understand why builders drink so much tea. It’s thinking time. I’m thinking.

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