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Don't fall into the Blue Monday trap - there's plenty out there to laugh at

PUBLISHED: 23:15 20 January 2019

Don't be down because it's Blue Monday - just have a laugh and enjoy it still being January...

Don't be down because it's Blue Monday - just have a laugh and enjoy it still being January...

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Stacia Briggs offers you some great one-liners to help you through the pain of Blue Monday

Today is said to be Blue Monday, the most depressing day of the year and the moment when Christmas quite literally catches up with us with regard to our bank balance and our lack of resolve in regard to New Year resolutions – so it’s handy that today is ALSO National One Liner Day.

In a bid to dispel the dark 
clouds, I’ve chosen a few of my favourite one-liners which could cheer up a day which is more miserable than a giraffe with vertigo. Consider them a prescription to be taken shortly after you open the credit card bill or look at the gym bag which hasn’t moved from the hall since January 3. Laughter decreases stress hormones, increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, triggers the release of feel-good endorphins and improves our resistance to disease – there’s no need to thank me, everything I do, I do it for you. I was, however, forced to leave the rude ones out: apologies for that.

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” – Alun Cochrane

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” – Gary Delaney

“Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones

“A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop? – Jack Dee

“Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.” – Tommy Cooper

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Billy Connolly

“I have three kids and no money, why can’t I have no kids and three money?” – Homer Simpson

“The man who had read everything published today would be more stupid than a man who had read nothing. That’s not a good state of affairs.” – Stewart Lee

“I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say ‘Yeah? When?’” – Bill Hicks

“All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.” – Joan Rivers

“I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school play.” – Jo Brand

“How come Miss Universe is only ever won by people from Earth?” – Ross Noble

“I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.” – Milton Jones

“Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.” – Tom Parry

“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.’ – Tommy Cooper

“The way to a man’s heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife.” – Jo Brand

“If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.” – Joel Dommett

“The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’.” – Andrew Bird

“I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So 
I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.” – Steven Wright

“With stand-up in Britain what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don’t have to swear. Reason being, things work.” – Henning Wehn

“A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!” – Tim Vine

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