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Tractors? I’d rather ban drivers with blacked-out windows and those who can’t reverse park

Steven Downes would rather be stuck behind this than endure most of the other drivers on the road 
Picture: Nick Butcher

Steven Downes would rather be stuck behind this than endure most of the other drivers on the road Picture: Nick Butcher

Archant © 2017

There’s nothing worse than getting stuck behind a tractor, is there?

Well, how about having your toenails pulled out with pliers, sharpened, then speared into your eyeballs? Or losing your winning Euro Millions ticket? Or watching the Best of Noel Edmonds on a loop?

Actually, pretty much anything is worse than getting stuck behind a tractor, which is nothing more than a slight inconvenience.

With the possibility raised of tractors being banned from some A-roads, it was an opportunity for people to express the sort of mindless selfishness associated with too many drivers.

For while it might be a good idea to bring in a ban on some of our quicker and, potentially, more dangerous roads, some want them banned from all roads – either at certain times or at all times.

It’s a classic example of the culture of “me first”, with too many wanting the computer of life to be programmed according to their wants.

Sorry, children, sometimes you have to wait – and if you want farmers to deliver the food that you will eventually eat, it might mean the odd minute or two behind a tractor. Even fast food relies on slow tractors.

Your later arrival home from work is just slightly outweighed by the progress of people who drive our economy and feed the population.

So sit tight, be patient and use the additional time to grow some brain cells.

So, tractors drivers are safe (I bet you thought I’d be all reactionary and wind them up, didn’t you?). But I would like to suggest others to be banned from our roads.

There are so many that it’s tempting to say “everyone but me”. After all, we all think we are excellent drivers and it’s “them others” who get it wrong.

Here are a few suggestions to be swept off the road:

■ Tailgaters: If you want to look in my boot, I’ll pull over and you can stick you head in. Mind I don’t slam the boot before your swede is out of range, though

■ Undertakers: Not the ones that box us up and bury us, the ones that whizz past on the inside lane

■ Anyone with blacked-out windows: Blimey, you are so gangsta! No, you are lame. This is Norfolk and you are making a fool of yourself

■ Mobile discos: What I mean is the drivers who keep their windows open and pump out tremendously awful “music” for us all to savour

■ Snails: Drivers who consistently travel at 10-20mph below the speed limit. Tractor drivers have an excuse, you don’t. If 60mph is so scary, walk

■ Poor parkers: If you can’t reverse your wheels into a tight spot, your spatial awareness isn’t up to navigating the roads. Bye

■ Anyone apart from a farmer who drives a 4x4: Stop trying to rock the gentrified look and snarling up the roads around our schools. Size does not matter, so get something more in keeping with your needs than your ego

■ Phone users: Whether it is welded to your ear or lurking on your lap, if you’re using your phone while driving, you are a disgrace

■ Those with “funny” stickers on their windows or bumper: I have no justification except my loathing

■ Anybody whose car still has a Comic Relief red nose on it.

I reckon this little list takes out most of the drivers who want tractors banned from the roads, on the basis that many of the above categories are populated by selfish and often brain-frozen people.

Imagine a road without tractors? Or imagine a road without any of these?

I know what I’d prefer, even if it does mean the odd go-slow.

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