The seven things restaurants do which are guaranteed to ruin his meal...

When you write about food, you end up in restaurants a lot; it's a tough job, I know. And while I really enjoy eating out, unfortunately the experience is too often marred by simple things.

Generally, these are down to the management rather than individual waiting staff. Whether it's a lack of training, corporate policy, or simply corner-cutting, these small irritants can ruin what should be a real treat.

Not for nothing is the restaurant business known as 'hospitality' rather than 'catering'. I have waited on tables, so I do know how tough that job can be. But I also know the difference that really good service can make.

I know I'm paying considerably more than the cost of the ingredients, and a hefty mark-up on the wine; I'm not just buying a meal, I'm buying the whole experience. But when that experience isn't delivered, then no matter how good the food, I'm not going to have a good time.

So here are my most annoying restaurant habits:

1. Cryptic menu descriptions: I don't necessarily need a list of every ingredient, and certainly not the kind of flowery language which overuses words like 'nestled', 'drizzled' and 'pan-fried' (is there another way of frying?), but equally I want to have some idea of what I am ordering. Obtuse menu items such as 'Memories of the Sea' tell me nothing about what I am about to eat.

2. Noise: There is a new restaurant in London which has a DJ – please, no! When I go out to eat, I want to talk to the people I am with; if I want music, I'll go to a nightclub. And industrial hard surfaces belong in a factory not a restaurant – one newish Norwich establishment has a plywood floor, which is both ugly and amplifies every decibel. Install some soft furnishings so that I can hear myself think.

3. Badly served wine: In a Norwich hotel dining room a couple of weeks ago, my bottle of reasonably expensive wine was simply plonked down on the table unopened. Fortunately it was a screw-top, so at least I was able to get into it, but that's not the point. I want to make sure the wine isn't corked, so open it for me and let me taste it. Serve it at the right temperature (whites are often so cold you can't taste them), and if it's a full-bodied red, or a bottle with some age, decant it. I'm paying a hefty mark-up on the wine, so the least I should expect it to have it served properly.

4. Disappearing bottles: In a Michelin-starred restaurant in London once, I ordered a decent bottle of wine, from which two glasses were poured, and then it was whisked away by the waiter. Imagine my horror when I spied him pouring wine from my bottle into glasses on another table. Since then, I always insist that once opened, the bottle stays on my table. If it needs to stay cold, put it in a wine chiller. But once it's open, it's mine, and it's not going anywhere.

5. Service which is too slow – or too fast: I recently ate in a Norwich restaurant where there was a wait of almost an hour between the starter and the main course. I'm all for relaxed dining, but that's just unacceptable. Conversely, unless I've told you I am pushed for time, don't rush me. Give me time to enjoy and appreciate each dish before clearing away and bringing the next one. Whatever you do, don't start clearing plates until everyone around the table has finished eating. Getting the rhythm and tempo of the dining experience right is such a big part of making sure the meal is perfect.

6. How is everything... again?: By all means give me the opportunity to point out if something isn't right, by asking me how everything is, shortly after you have given me my meal – but only once. I can't tell you how annoying constant interruptions, often by different members of staff, can be.

7. Double tipping: If you add a service charge to the bill, then don't ask if I want to leave a tip when it comes to doing the credit card thing – I gave already. In fact, don't put a service charge on the bill at all, because I don't know that my waiter will actually get it. If the service has been great, I am happy to be generous, and I'd rather give my gratuity direct to the person who has earned it.

Let me know your own restaurant bugbears: tweet me @andynewmanpr.