Opinion: 100 things more popular than Nick Clegg

Poor umbrella etiquette, New Year's Eve party expectations, moths and being outbid on eBay - all examples of things which are more popular than Nick Clegg. Photo: Lynne Cameron/PA Wire Poor umbrella etiquette, New Year's Eve party expectations, moths and being outbid on eBay - all examples of things which are more popular than Nick Clegg. Photo: Lynne Cameron/PA Wire

Monday, June 23, 2014
2:06 PM

Shock news this week – according to a new poll, Ed Miliband is even less popular than Nick Clegg.

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Things which are less popular than Nick Clegg: 1) Ed Miliband. Photo: David Cheskin/PA WireThings which are less popular than Nick Clegg: 1) Ed Miliband. Photo: David Cheskin/PA Wire

I didn’t even think that being less popular than Nick Clegg could be a ‘thing’ – surely Nick has scaled hitherto unchartered heights of unpopularity? Are we really going to take something else away from him along with his credibility and dignity?

During last month’s local and European election campaign, Mr Miliband was somewhat red-faced when he was unable to name Swindon’s Labour leader and then was later ridiculed over unflattering images of him eating a bacon sandwich. And then last week, there was that business of him posing with a copy of The Sun following all the unpleasantness with the aforementioned newspaper and Hillsborough/The News of the World and the phone-hacking scandal.

I feel slightly sorry for Ed, who may be a bit of a silly sausage but in no way deserves to be less popular than Nick Clegg. In order to help Ed claw back a bit of self-esteem, I have compiled a list: I find that lists help in all situations (this week, I bought a book which contains seven sets of sticky-backed lists in various sizes, for all my list needs. This is quite possibly the most brilliant invention since the internet or the toasted sandwich maker).

And, equally helpfully, I have Googled extensively the ways in which Ed could make himself more popular – these include: listening to other people even if they’re really, really boring; always maintaining eye contact unless it starts feeling creepy; smiling; being charming; being sincere; and being fun. God, it sounds hard work.

Other tips include making sure that if your photograph is posted online, it includes you next to a gun, a mini-skirt, a bikini, a bra, perfume, a cup, a llama, a ladybird or a basketball, because these have all been found to have a “high positive impact” with online viewers (under no circumstances be photographed next to a spatula, plunger, laptop or golf cart: these are all internet no-nos according to computer scientists).

Also: make sure your breath smells nice, your shoes are clean and you are kind to animals and old people. And read this list, Ed, it may help with the self-esteem.

100 Things which are more popular than Nick Clegg:

1) People who smell

2) Poor customer service

3) People who eat with their mouths open

4) Computers that crash when you’ve spent three hours writing a document but have forgotten to save it

5) Drivers who drive slowly in the fast lane

6) Rude shop assistants

7) Cold-callers

8) People who TALK TOO LOUDLY ON THEIR MOBILE PHONES

9) Toilets you have to pay to use

10) People who over-share about their children

11) Queue-jumpers

12) Leaving a tissue in a pocket and putting it in a washing machine

13) Muggers

14) People who cough and don’t cover their mouths

15) People who say ‘click’ instead of ‘clique’

16) The washing machine breaking down

17) Needing to go to the dentist on a bank holiday

18) Getting chewing gum/gloss paint in your hair

19) People who have a mobile phone but never answer it

20) Bossiness

21) Over-packaged children’s toys on Christmas Day

22) Bankers

23) Estate agents

24) Journalists

25) Text message speak if used by anyone over the age of 11

26) Hot weather at home when you’re on holiday abroad

27) Trying to find the end of a roll of sticky tape in a hurry

28) Stepping in dog poo/a seagull pooing in your hair (especially if someone then tells you that it’s ‘lucky’)

29) People who stand on the wrong side of escalators

30) Rail replacement bus services

31) Misspelt graffiti

32) The misuse of the word ‘literally’

33) A zombie apocalypse

34) People who are over-jolly

35) One-word text message responses

36) Waking up and thinking it’s Sunday when it’s Monday

37) Starting a conversation and then forgetting what you were talking about

38) Sweating

39) People who park in disabled bays when they’re not disabled

40) Being cold

41) Automated phone systems

42) Being taken for granted

43) Wet door knobs

44) The dark

45) Running out of toilet roll in the middle of the night

46) People recording gigs on their camera phones rather than actually watching them

47) Posters of endless selfies on Facebook

48) People who constantly check their mobile phones while you’re talking to them

49) Paper cuts

50) Being outbid on eBay in the dying seconds of an auction

51) Hangnails

52) Spiders

53) Needing to go to the loo in the middle of the night when you’re really comfortable in bed (see also: 45)

54) Not being able to get the lid off a jar of chutney

55) Getting a really disappointing birthday present

56) The ring-pull on your can of Diet Coke falling off before you’ve opened it

57) People who get receipts from cash points

58) People who wait until the cashier tells them how much their purchases cost before they get their wallet out

59) Torturous heartbreak

60) December 27

61) Poor umbrella etiquette

62) Screaming children in restaurants that aren’t billed as ‘family-friendly’

63) Holding a door open for someone that doesn’t acknowledge you

64) People being rude to waiters or waitresses

65) Other people’s keypad tones

66) Shopping bags breaking before you get home

67) Spelling errors in books or on official literature

68) Spam texts when you’re waiting for an important message

69) Potholes

70) That moment when you buy something electrical that the sales person starts their ‘extended warranty chat’

71) Company ‘reply to all’ emails that aren’t relevant to you

72) Wedding bores

73) When someone rings you from their mobile phone and they lose reception straight away

74) Making tea and then realising the milk has gone off

75) Someone else taking the credit for your idea

76) Sulking

77) Chuggers

78) Credit card offers through the post

79) Having wet socks

80) The lack of crisps in bags of crisps

81) Standing on pieces of Lego, barefoot

82) Cold toilet seats

83) Overly-sticky price labels

84) New Year’s Eve party expectations

85) Buying sparkling water when you meant to buy still, only realising when you’ve opened the bottle and not having enough cash to buy another bottle

86) People who talk in the cinema

87) Finding out that someone has filled a chocolate box with empty wrappers

88) Biting the inside of your mouth or your tongue

89) The perforations on car tax discs that make them virtually impossible to tear neatly

90) Really short electric cables

91) Overshooting at a petrol pump so the attendant thinks you’re incapable of putting in an exact amount

92) Being unable to reverse park in front of a line of waiting cars

93) Cutting your nails too short

94) Grown women who talk in baby voices to men

95) Being the only person in a small shop and having to pretend to look at things so as not to upset the owner

96) Moths

97) People who wear sunglasses indoors

98) Awkward and stilted conversations

99) Inappropriate kisses at the end of text messages (both receiving and adding in error)

100) Coming back from a shopping trip without the one thing you went out for

I mean I could go on, probably infinitely. Whatever you do, Ed, don’t read the next list. Just go and find a gun-toting llama to be photographed with, instead.

Things which are less popular than Nick Clegg:

1) Ed Miliband



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