How Mrs H is in her element when it comes to kettles
PUBLISHED: 16:28 16 December 2017
Fortress H: It’s nearly the big day and Mrs H is getting all steamed up about replacement kettles.
Just over week to go until the big day and Mrs H is having her seasonal meltdown. It got me thinking back to when I was a child. The build-up to Christmas was one of simmering excitement and anticipation. As I got older it was all about the celebrations - office parties and drinks with the lads. Then came the magic that children bring to Christmas.
We are in the alternating routine with our children now. This year it’s our turn to host so Brats and partners plus Mrs H’s sister and her husband will be at Fortress H for the day.
Mrs H has been in her bunker planning the assault. Scattered around are enough lists to wallpaper the loo. These include jobs which must be completed early leaving the way clear for Christmas Day preparations. Many of these “Must do” tasks have the word “Neil” against them.
Amid the stress we have pulled together to get ahead but somehow time has slipped by.
When it comes to shopping Mrs H likes to support the high street.
“People will lose their jobs if we don’t,” she insists.
But this year we have gone with the trend and done much of our present shopping online. This did cut out the festive store slog but it proved almost as bad. Mrs H is very thorough when it comes to buying anything. She does hours of research online: checking websites for the best price, expert views, reading customer reviews and occasionally asking for my opinion.
But then the Fortress kettle decided to play up. On one occasion I found the kitchen full of steam when it hadn’t switched off automatically so we daren’t leave it unattended. Then the lid refused to open.
In addition to that the Dustbuster decided not to recharge. Admittedly it must be one of the originals. In true Fortress tradition we had flogged it until it could suck no more.
So Mrs H stationed herself at the computer for an appliance hunt.
I’m sure she does value my opinion, if for no other reason than to confirm she was right all along. She disappeared for half an hour then it was: “NEYULL! Come and look at this kettle.”
I stood dutifully at her shoulder like a student being given an IT demonstration.
“This one’s got 523 reviews and an average of 4.6 stars,” Mrs H announced. “But some people are saying the switch broke after six months and a few reckon it’s so noisy you can’t hear the radio. What do you think?”
This may sound a straightforward question but in practice it’s not far short of: “Does this red top drain the colour from my face?”
“Look,” she went on. “It says the colour is anthracite but it looks like brushed steel. Do you think it will look all right with the toaster? And it’s got a small filter, do you think it will cope with our limescale?”
How the heck should I know?
The high street outflanked the internet on this one. Mrs H has small hands so she wanted to test potential kettles to see which one she could hold comfortably.
So there we were in front of a stand dripping with kettles with Mrs H selecting various models to simulate pouring. I find we’re like magnets when we hover at a display. Within seconds we were surrounded by kettle purchasers poking eager arms between and around us to grab a kettle.
After much jostling we plumped for the anthracite kettle. But isn’t it just typical? Before we had a chance to use it we spotted one that would match the toaster so it went back for a refund.
We have yet to secure a Dustbuster. Mrs H has narrowed it down to three so we need to do some hands-on tests. Watch out for the Haversons coming soon to a store near you performing mock vacuuming manoeuvres.