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10/09/2009, 9:26 PM Rupert Joined on 19/11/2007 Posts 1,410 Re: Joke of the day.......... Sadly, that's true. - But you missed the bit about the prostitute being made redundant because everybody was being screwed by the government. Rupert    Report

11/09/2009, 11:51 AM Rupert Joined on 19/11/2007 Posts 1,410 Re: Joke of the day.......... God and Grass    GOD:  Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.  ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass. GOD : Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there? ST. FRANCIS : Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.   GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.   ST.  FRANCIS : Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week.    GOD : They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?   ST.  FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.    GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?   ST. FRANCIS : No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.   GOD : Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?   ST. FRANCIS : Yes, Sir.    GOD : These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.    ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord.  When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.    GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.   ST. FRANCIS : You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.   GOD : No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the  winter to keep the soil moist and loose?   ST. FRANCIS : After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.   GOD: And where do they get this mulch?   ST. FRANCIS : They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.   GOD : Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.    St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?   ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about....  GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from Francis.   Rupert    Report

11/09/2009, 12:02 PM Baconsdozen. Joined on 02/09/2003 Lowestoft Posts 1,702 Re: Joke of the day.......... Halfords. WDC and its caravan site.    Report

11/09/2009, 9:00 PM Monkey Boy Joined on 06/01/2004 The edge of Breckland Posts 815 Re: Joke of the day.......... they launched the 9/11 commemorative website today it was rubbish it crashed after two hits I'm just a Chimp off the old block    Report

13/09/2009, 12:12 PM Flange Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,964 Re: Joke of the day..........  Monkey Boy wrote: they launched the 9/11 commemorative website today it was rubbish it crashed after two hits Stop copying jokes from the Muslim Council of Britain website MB.    Report

13/09/2009, 4:27 PM Rupert Joined on 19/11/2007 Posts 1,410 Re: Joke of the day.......... The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.    "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at! her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." Rupert    Report

13/09/2009, 4:31 PM Rupert Joined on 19/11/2007 Posts 1,410 Re: Joke of the day.......... LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH       Little Ralphy goes to school, Ms Brown says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"   Ralphy says: "Mas-tur-bate."   MS Brown smiles and says, "Wow, little Ralphy, that's a mouthful."   Little Ralphy says, "No, Ms Brown, you're thinking of a blowjob."   Rupert    Report

14/09/2009, 7:49 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Posts 2,444 Re: Joke of the day.......... Lipstick in School According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle upon Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done.. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Geordie 'Princesses'). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers.......and then there are educators.     Report

15/09/2009, 3:51 AM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Posts 2,444 Re: Joke of the day.......... Absolutely hilarious on the International News tonight. Happened in Puyallup in Washington State.  A convenience store video - in come two young bulls (I think) , trotting through the door and running down the aisles.  A woman took off quite quickly.  Next, two cowboys, on their horses, gallop in and chase the two cattle (as they were described), out of the store.  No damage, no customers hurt.  All returned to normal.  The two cattle were from a rodeo drive going past. Best laugh on the TV today. Matty      Report

15/09/2009, 9:46 AM Flange Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,964 Re: Joke of the day.......... The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”    Report

15/09/2009, 4:28 PM Rupert Joined on 19/11/2007 Posts 1,410 Re: Joke of the day.......... TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE. Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.' The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?' The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.     Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.' Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'   Rupert    Report

17/09/2009, 5:37 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Posts 2,444 Re: Joke of the day.......... Small child's Prayer. Dear God, Please send clothes for all the ladies on daddy's computer as they don't have any..  Thank you.  Amen.    Report

19/09/2009, 8:57 PM Storm Joined on 27/07/2009 Posts 377 Re: Joke of the day.......... "> Three men - an Australian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a    Biker are all walking together one day.    They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.    'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',     says the Genie.    The Australian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm.  I want the land to be forever fertile in  Australia   '    POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in  Australia  was forever fertile for farming.    Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan ,   Palestine ,  Iraq and Iran  so that no infidels, Americans or Australians  can come into our precious land.'    POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.    The Biker says,'I am very curious.   Please tell me more about this wall.'    The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet  high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;   it's virtually impenetrable.'    The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a joint, smiles and says,     'Fill it with water.'      Report

22/09/2009, 8:05 AM Peter R.Farman Joined on 26/07/2006 Posts 1,064 Re: Joke of the day.......... http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/8267420.stm Well, I thought it was funny.    Report

02/10/2009, 9:10 PM SHRIMPER Joined on 28/07/2008 Posts 895 Re: Joke of the day.......... It was announced today that Viagra  will soon be available in  Liquid Form, and will be marketed by Pepsi  Cola as a power beverage suitable  for use as a mixer. It will now be  possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we  can no longer call this a soft drink, and it  gives new meaning to the  names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and  just a goodold-fashioned 'stiff drink'.  Thought for the day: There is more money  being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This  means that by 2040, There should be a large elderly population with  perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.      Report

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