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25/08/2009, 9:20 PM Rupert Joined on 19/11/2007 Posts 1,410 Re: Joke of the day.......... Girl Power While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.   Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan.'    An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,  Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?  When the attendant came by, he said, 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'   'Yes!' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'     My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'  'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We no longer call it the cockpit'      'It's The Box Office.'        Quote of the day:    'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.  If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.   So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh*t.'   Rupert    Report

25/08/2009, 10:16 PM Snybarb Joined on 31/03/2005 Posts 573 Re: Joke of the day.......... Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby.     "Is this yours?" she asked.   "Probably" said Paddy, "She burns everything else.."    Report

28/08/2009, 6:19 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Posts 2,444 Re: Joke of the day.......... After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good  health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"  "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."   Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything  appears To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss  with me?" She replied that she had no questions or concerns.  The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and  sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"   "Oh that crazy old fool," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January  and the second time is in August."     Report

28/08/2009, 8:17 PM Storm Joined on 27/07/2009 Posts 377 Re: Joke of the day.......... What A Coincidence   "> A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.. The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating' 'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman. 'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.' 'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'      Report

28/08/2009, 9:41 PM Rupert Joined on 19/11/2007 Posts 1,410 Re: Joke of the day.......... I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).    We decided to grab a bite at the food court.    I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.    The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green , red , orange , and blue .    My dad kept staring at him.    The teenager would look and find him staring every time.    When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:    'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'    Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.    And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:    'Got stoned once and f*cked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'   Rupert    Report

31/08/2009, 9:36 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Posts 2,444 Re: Joke of the day.......... Just to make you smile, Italian grandma's advice to granddaughter! A young Italian girl was going on a date.  Her Nonna said: 'Sit ta here ana letame tella you about this-a younga boy. He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna like-a dat, but no let him-a do dat.      He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna like-a dat too, but no let him-a do dat eeda.  But mosta important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna really like-a dat, but no a let-a him do dat for sure. Doing thata willa disgraza our family. With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: 'And Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said. When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!' Nonna fainted!!    Report

31/08/2009, 11:01 PM ChristopherE Joined on 04/01/2006 Posts 1,911 Re: Joke of the day.......... No wonder the Glasgow Ice Cream wars.    Report

01/09/2009, 2:33 PM Baconsdozen. Joined on 02/09/2003 Lowestoft Posts 1,702 Re: Joke of the day.......... A chap is in the dentists chair. "Had a 69 before you came in ?" asks the dentist. The dentists nurse starts giggling and the man with a bright red face watches as the dentist drops a hair he's removed from the mans mouth in the tray. The bloke is glad when he's able to get out of the chair and goes out of the surgery with the nurses laughter ringing in his ears. A month later he has to go back.As he's been active the night before he scrubs his teeth three times,then rinses his mouth out twice.Hed already bought four packets of chewing gum and has chewed his way through nearly all of them beofre his name is called in the waiting room.He pops the last piece in his mouth,frantically chews it,spits it into his hand and has a quick rub round his mouth with his finger before he opens the dentists door,walks in and sits in the chair.He opens his mouth wide as the dentist turns to look at him The dentist smiles."Another 69 last night?" "How could you know?" asks the man "Because you've got a ruddy great skid mark on your forehead" replies the dentist. WDC and its caravan site.    Report

02/09/2009, 8:49 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Posts 2,444 Re: Joke of the day.......... Tea Time Love Bite. A woman almost bit off her husbands 's willy as he cooked pancakes for tea - while she gave him oral sex. In the heat of passion he lost his grip on the pan and spilt boiling oil down her naked back. She clenched her teeth on his willy and in agaony, he bashed her on the head with the pan. Both only admitted how they had received the injuries after "intense questioning" by hospital doctors in Carioca, Romania. The man needed trreatment to his willy while his wife had burns, two black eyes and broken cheek bones. --------------------------------------------------- This was a printed article from a newspaper (not named), and sent to me by email.  The husband of the sender said " Tell her, that is what is called a blow on blow". My reply was : "Certainly not English or Candian, they would not attempt to cook breakfast under such conditions ".    Report

03/09/2009, 8:47 PM Flange Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,964 Re: Adolf and Oasis http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6IyGAvbOs4    Report

07/09/2009, 12:06 PM Para Handy Joined on 14/03/2006 Posts 39 Re: Joke of the day.......... The Indian Government has come up with a plan to tackle the population explosion. They have sent a fleet of busses around the country rounding up 500 male peasants and then castrating them. This is now known as The Indian knackerless five hundred.    Report

10/09/2009, 8:20 PM SHRIMPER Joined on 28/07/2008 Posts 895 Re: Joke of the day.......... Dunno if this has already been done.   An elderly British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to  locate his Passport in his carry-on bag.     "You have been to France before, Monsieur?"  the customs officer asked, sarcastically.     The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France  previously.   'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."     The elderly gentleman said, 'The last time I was here,  I didn't have to show it.'     'Impossible' said the customs officer.   'The British always have to show their passports on  arrival  in France !'       The Man gave the Frenchman a long hard look....     Then he quietly explained......     'Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944 I couldn't find any f***ing  Frenchmen to show it to!!!        Report

10/09/2009, 8:42 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Posts 2,444 Re: Joke of the day.......... It is the month of August; a resort town sits next to the shores of a lake.  It is raining,  and the little town looks totally deserted.  It is tough times,  everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.  Suddenly,  a rich tourist comes to town.  He  enters the only hotel, lays a 100 dollar bill on the reception counter,  and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick  one.  The  hotel proprietor takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the  butcher.  The  Butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig  raiser.  The  pig raiser takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the  supplier of his feed and fuel.  The  supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute WHO in these hard times,  gave her "services" on credit.  The  hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 dollar bill  to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she  brought her clients there.  The  hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar bill back on the counter so that  the rich tourist will not suspect anything.  At  that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and  takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that he did not like any of the  rooms, and leaves town.  No  one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and  looks to the future with a lot of optimism .  And  that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the British Government is doing business today.    Report

10/09/2009, 9:22 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Posts 2,444 Re: Joke of the day.......... It is the month of August; a resort town sits next to the shores of a lake.  It is raining,  and the little town looks totally deserted.  It is tough times,  everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.  Suddenly,  a rich tourist comes to town.  He  enters the only hotel, lays a 100 dollar bill on the reception counter,  and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick  one.  The  hotel proprietor takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the  butcher.  The  Butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig  raiser.  The  pig raiser takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the  supplier of his feed and fuel.  The  supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute WHO in these hard times,  gave her "services" on credit.  The  hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 dollar bill  to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she  brought her clients there.  The  hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar bill back on the counter so that  the rich tourist will not suspect anything.  At  that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and  takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that he did not like any of the  rooms, and leaves town.  No  one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and  looks to the future with a lot of optimism .  And  that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the British Government is doing business today.    Report

10/09/2009, 9:23 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Posts 2,444 Re: Joke of the day.......... Sorry about that - didn't redo the font. Matty    Report

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