The American Cricketer

Football Fantasies

malcolmkauffman@beltoncricket.co.uk — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 20:34:00 GMT

Only occasionally do I intrude into the wonderful, wacky world of football. Mostly it is either too silly, too exasperating or just down right too frustrating.

Recent developments deserve a mention. I happened on an interesting programme on the BBC News channel the other evening. It was a discussion regarding some of the recent financial crises that have been plaguing the “beautiful game”.

In case you missed it, Portsmouth FC are about to enter administration and a number of other clubs are queuing up to join them. That's the story, basically.

Like the weather, lots of folk are talking about it, and no-one is actually doing anything.

The programme “identified” some areas that need discussion/amendment/improvement. Clubs are (obviously) being extremely irresponsible with their finances. Players (and their union) are milking the cow for all it's worth – despite the fact that the teats are giving no succour, for the milk has run out. Fans are in disarray because of increasing ticket prices and lack of success on the field.

Where to start?

The Clubs. Football clubs operate as if they were immune to the forces of economics and gravity. Being immune to gravity is especially good for them as they think they can avoid the drop! Yep, that's how stupid they are. The truth is only a very few clubs, either by reason of an incredibly wealthy owner or owners, or a fan base that covers the known world can possibly aspire to win the Premiership. All the others are simply treading water. Clubs can, of course, never admit this because it would upset and alienate the fans.

The Supporters. The supporters like to think that they are the backbone of the club and the most important leg of the tripod. They are chin-dribblingly deluded on both counts. Clubs make noises about how wonderful the fans are and how they are striving to win trophies and championships for them. In reality, as long as some fans ( primarily the most stupid ones ) continue to troop gaily through the turnstiles so that the TV companies can pan the cameras around the ground without encountering too many empty seats; the clubs aren't really worried about the supporters ( or cannon fodder if you prefer ). Clubs know that the real money comes from TV.

The Players. Players are easy targets. Well, those at the very top who earn obscene wages are easy targets. The PFA is charged with protecting all players and their views on wages are simple. Get you hands off! For the PFA the problems with club finances are nothing to do with them and they don't really want to discuss or negotiate any change to the status quo.

What's to be done?

The Clubs. Clubs will not regulate themselves. Leagues will not regulate clubs. FIFA, UEFA, etc. will not regulate clubs. The EU ( for once charged with doing something useful ) could regulate clubs. How? Make Europe-wide rules and regulations regarding club finances. Stipulate the amount clubs can spend on players and transfers. Clubs should only be able to spend a proportion of TV and gate receipts and bring down wages and ticket prices in order to comply. At a stroke you level the playing field and make football more competitive.

The Supporters

Supporters need educating. This will be tough for they generally make Dewsbury Chavs look like intellectuals. Deep down they know they are gormless. Commentators, managers, players and administrators must stop pandering to fans' basest instincts and explain their real strategy: i.e. stay in this league, remain solvent, introduce more home-grown players that fans can identify with, live within our means and avoid what seems to be attractive short-term fixes!

The Players

Players are their own worst enemies. They are all in the gossip columns too often because they earn obscene amounts of money and don't know how to spend it except on Chav Flash. Players must learn to sign contracts that mean something, that put most of their earning into long-term investments instead of short-term bling, and act like responsible adults instead of spoiled brats.

Incidentally, none of the above have even the remotest chance of being adopted.

Not So Free Agents

malcolmkauffman@beltoncricket.co.uk — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 15:25:00 GMT

Chiefs' Salvation is in the Draft!

K.C. Chiefs fans and bloggers are working themselves up into a feeding frenzy waiting for the annual free agent signing spree to begin.

Why?

Hope springs eternal and free agency is often seen as a quick fix for turning around a four win season. It almost never works.

Why?

Because some other team's “not needed any more, expensive player” is usually on the market for a reason. And, the reason is seldom the ubiquitous salary cap. More often it's either issues with off the field predilections or worries about medium to long term fitness.

So, what are the Chiefs' needs? That's a good place to start.

Offence

QB – not needed.

Running backs – not needed.

Full back – possible.

Offensive line – desperately needed but surely the draft is the place to get them!

Receivers – I continually lobby for a number one pick – no free agents!

Defence

3 man front – desperate.

LB's – ditto

Secondary – probably need safety help, but then again good safeties abound in the draft!

Special teams

Punter – no.

Field goal kicker – no.

General help – yes – but who would spend salary cap dollars on someone for the kick-off team?

My view? Stay away from free agents or sign them at your peril!

Who's out there who might interest the tribe?

In short, not a lot.

On offence there is precisely no-one that I can see.

On defence, you might make a case for Darren Sharper at safety who is a quality player and a team leader. But, he's 34 and the cost would be big bucks! You might plump for bringing back linebacker Scott Fujita. He has the Chiefs history and is, perhaps, in his prime at 30 years old. Possible. You might go right out to left field and grab tackle Tank Johnson. Wait a minute, didn't the Chiefs just off-load the number one disrupter in Larry Johnson? Would they really like to fill that “roster spot”? I think not.

The most likely scenario is that the Chiefs are very quiet in free agency. Apart from the media circus surrounding some big name players, the front office will say and do little. The plan is the draft. That's what they have been telling us. They should stick to it.

Super Bowl - 40 Years On

malcolmkauffman@beltoncricket.co.uk — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 19:49:00 GMT

Memories are all we have!

Before I stick my neck out and tell you who will win this year's Super Bowl, a short trip down memory lane is in order.

The greatest betting coup in modern times was not, as is usually thought, some Irish punters gamely trying to nobble some nag at Punchestown; but, instead, my idiotic and grotesque offer of the Chiefs and 16 points versus the Vikings for Super Bowl IV in 1970. I know, because I was in Norway at the time and the queue outside my door was so long and so unruly the MP's had to be called in to keep order.

Even though it was foolhardy, I really did think the Chiefs would win. The rest is history. Except it's been 40 years and we've not been very close since!

I think it was the last time we were in the play-offs – we faced Peyton Manning and the Colts at Arrowhead about 3-4 years ago. And, I had it all figured out.

Indianapolis were running the same offence then as they bring to Super Bowl 44. Manning gets to the line of scrimmage, surveys the defence, audibles the play and they kick butt. My mistake at that time was in gleefully predicting that playing away in KC none of that nonsense was going to be in the frame.

It was so logical to me. The “chop-till-you-drop” brigade would make so much noise that the Indy offence would just not be able to function. Chiefs would win. Easy.

Needless to say my previous form in predicting a Chiefs Super Bowl win against all the odds counted for nought. My plan looked good on paper, but in reality it was pants. Manning did whatever he felt like and the Chiefs were murdered.

Of course, things move on and the Colts are not the same team. Their defence is not as good. The offence lacks a power runner. They don't dominate possession. They have some rookies that they rely on to make big plays.

Nevertheless, they will win, and win big.

Why?

Simple. Payton Manning.

It really wouldn't surprise me if he could walk on water.

The only really surprising and almost non-existent possibility for a New Orleans victory would be if he had a real stinker. Interceptions – incomplete passes – sacks – fumbles. He may well do any or all of the above, but it won't matter because he will still win. That's what he does.

It's good to see Nawlins in the big show. I'd like to think they have a chance. They do. The same chance Wild Bill had when he was dealt aces and eights.

Chiefs Grades

malcolmkauffman@beltoncricket.co.uk — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 15:03:00 GMT

End of Term Blues

It's the end of term. The pads are being put away and the players are on their way home. Time to sum up and evaluate the 2009 version of the KC Chiefs.

Management

It's the Scott Pioli and Todd Haley show, so at the end of the day it's their performances which will power the Chiefs to the next level or see them sink. How did they do? Well, Scott has the last laugh, but only because he is up in the office and his decisions are not always apparent. Todd is on the front line and way too visible. Scott had his work cut out for him because he inherited a team from the previous regime and would have had to be a real Houdini to escape the mediocrity that was the previous incarnation. Has he failed? No, not yet – but he only has this year's draft and free agency to come up with some solutions. Todd has already made some moves to improve his coaching staff. A smart move. As a beginner he has had it rough. Again, he has only one more year to show some real progress. After that it could be adiós!

Quarterbacks

The blaze of anticipation that came with Matt Cassell soon foundered under the realisation that without any quality receivers and a make-shift backfield he was not going to be a Pro Bowl QB this season. The Chiefs will persevere with him and rightly. With some quality around him he can only get better. Brodie Croyle is a good back-up – question is can the Chiefs keep him?

Receivers

See above. No quality. Dwayne Bowe took over the Larry Johnson role as Idiot in Residence. Others arrived, left or just bombed. Must be priority number two in draft/free agency.

Running backs

Jamal Charles is now the saviour after a good second half to the season. Shows a lot of promise. Could be a thousand yard plus back. One thing is for sure, the running back is the quarterback's best friend and if Cassell is to prosper then so must Charles. Chiefs may well draft here but not in the top three rounds. The demise of Larry Johnson was long past doing and benefited everyone. Now he can set about messing up Cincinnati.

O-line

Got a bit better but only just. Chiefs will try to acquire some quality at center and maybe one tackle. Some incumbents will be out of a job next season – at least in KC. Draft priority – equal second.

Special Teams

Not enough quality and the result often found the Tomahawkers behind before they started. Change of coach? Change of philosophy? Change of personnel? Probably all of the above. Chiefs fringe draftees must be able to contribute to this part of the team. Draft priority – below five

Kickers

Just about a plus for Mr Irrelevant. Chiefs will persevere with him and should. Punting rock solid – probably the only area the Chiefs will not have to look at next season. Draft priority – not on the radar. If the Chiefs draft a specialist kicker they really have lost the plot!

Defensive Line/Linebackers

Here's where Pioli and Haley really can point to the first year blues. Trying to change the 4-3 to a 3-4 with more or less the same personnel was always going to be a killer, and it was. So, now they must fix it. They must draft high (first/second round) and explore free agency. They may trade/get rid of Glenn Dorsey. Makes sense – he's not a 3-4 player. The 2010 Chiefs must be able to stuff the run with the front three. End of story. Linebackers are not good enough and will be cleared out – with the exception of Tamba Hali and maybe one or two others. Draft high! Imperative!

Secondary

Suffered because of the non-existent pass rush. Still developing and will probably be down in the draft priority.

Fringe players

Did not contribute much. Despite noises that everyone on the roster must be the right kind of player it just did not happen From the 50-odd man roster that finished the season I expect no more than 35 -40 to be starting the next.

It's Enough to make you cry!

malcolmkauffman@beltoncricket.co.uk — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 19:53:00 GMT

Divies hone their gormlessness skills.

Sometimes it is hard to take football seriously.

Today is one of those sometimes. Thierry Henry is in sore danger of a brouhaha moment which will, no doubt, not endear him to the Paddys! What a farce!

What's really surprising is the number of well-respected commentators jumping on the bandwagon. Wow! They finally realised that football is a silly game populated by real Neanderthals (both on the pitch and in the stands) as opposed to the the Turnip Taliban! I'm genuinely amazed.

First we have that respected commentator Hugh McIlvanney informing us that “Video refs can catch the cheats”. Excuse me, Hugh, where have you been for the last umpteen years? Are you seriously telling your readers that you only just noticed that football is populated by cheaters and that the administrators have done nothing about it since time began? Pull the one with the bells on!

Do you not remember the Maradona “Hand of God”? How long ago was that? Was anything ever done? Wake up!!

Instead of vilifying Henry, who is, after all, only doing what anyone would do if they knew they were not likely to get caught; Hugh might reserve his righteous ire for the game itself. To be fair, he does touch on this, but, as usual, chickens out at the crucial moment.

In a long article, he reserves his opprobrium for the administrators, chiefly Sepp Blatter of FIFA. Come on Hugh! Easy target! Some of this is, surely, down to the Fourth Estate! You guys are not Babes in the Wood!

Facts are that football is a rotten game which is designed to encourage the basest instincts in the human character. Hugh is hinting at this, but he is not willing to condemn sufficiently.

Same day, same paper – we have a stab at it from Dominic Lawson on the Editorial page. His article, “A game of two halves: cheating and whining” reads better than the lily-livered Hugh. He goes though the whole gamut of footballing sins. He is particularly aghast at the Irish howls of derision, when, as he skilfully points out, Ireland's Roy Keane attempted to cheat twice in the same game, only to be foiled because the ref happened to be looking. He quotes Damian Duff – Irish striker - “If it was me or Robbie at the other end, we would have tried it. You just expect the referee or linesman to see it.”

How sad it is that on the day even the match commentators did not see the hand ball until the replay! Dominic's point that no-one has ever seen a referee change his mind is the key. Since the poor old ref made a boo-boo, he will be pilloried. Meanwhile, the idiots who run the game will cry crocodile tears and strike him from their list of possible World Cup referees (and their Christmas card list!!).

Contrasting rugby and cricket with their reliance on technology (Hugh, are you listening!!) only leads Dominic deeper into despair. His conclusion that football attracts a particular type of person, a yob, just about sums it up.

I love his last sentence: “Does anyone know why it is still called “”the beautiful game””? That has to be the biggest joke of all.”

Amen.

Tenebrae factae sunt

malcolmkauffman@beltoncricket.co.uk — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 16:10:00 GMT

Real Chiefs Woes!

From bad to worse. That's the Chiefs season so far, and, perhaps, for the foreseeable future.

Grabbing at some fragile straws (mostly last week's triumph at Washington), I predicted them to beat San Diego at Arrowhead last week. Result: worse than bad.

The loss was hard enough to take. The backwards progression was even more difficult to digest.

Over to coach Todd Haley:

“I’m the head coach of the team and I’m running the offense,” Haley said. “We have to be better than that. We have to be better at protecting. We have to be better at run blocking. We have to be better at catching the ball. We can’t tip the ball to them and we have to be better at quarterback. That’s the bottom line.”

In other words, the Chiefs need to get better at just about everything.

This season is rapidly becoming over even before it got started for the Chiefs. Just look at Coach Haley's comments in detail.

Better at protecting: the Chiefs brought in Matt Cassel in order to provide a solid quarterback around whom we could build an offense. This just isn't working.

Better at run blocking: high hopes were placed on a revamped offensive line who, in concert with All-Pro back Larry Johnson (who is in the news with vaguely disguised dissatisfaction with the coaching staff), could take the pressure of Cassell and provide some kind of ball possession. This has been less than pie in the sky – more like pearls before swine.

Better at catching the ball: Coach Haley seems unable to either provide receivers or design plays which would give Cassell some kind of confidence. They are a fairly nondescript unit – excepting Dwayne Bowe. They just don't look like an NFL receiver corps.

Better at quarterback: it's easy to throw the blame at Cassell, but that's facile. He preformed quite well behind a fine line in New England. Now, he must learn to perform well behind something less than mediocre. The war is, as usual, won in the trenches.

Better at everything: over to you again Coach. The coaches are the factor you have not mentioned.

Fans were expecting a rebuilding kind of season. They were also expecting some kind of progress.

We're still waiting and time is running out. Last week's win at hopeless Washington is looking like the only one this season. Coach Haley better win some soon – or his reign will be short.

Tenebrae factae sunt

Under Achieve - Over Achieve

malcolmkauffman@beltoncricket.co.uk — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 19:20:00 GMT

No good news forthcoming.

Contrasting fortunes for the England Cricket Team and the Kansas City Chiefs.

One has, seemingly, been over-achieving whilst the other is moving, or possibly sinking, rapidly in the other direction.

No prizes for guessing which.

England did more than expected in reaching the semi-finals of the ICC One-Day Tournament in South Africa. Still, in the end they were found wanting. First, South Africa exploded – nothing new there then – and India could not win a match. Pakistan flattered to deceive whist England and New Zealand just moseyed through the tournament doing little wrong, albeit not that much right either. So, an independent view must be that England were lucky to make the semis.

Having just been hammered by the Aussies at home 1-6 it is not surprising that the initial reaction to England's new-found capacity to win in the 50-over format was over-optimistic. Actually, they are still not very good at 50 over cricket. Why?

Primarily because they do not have the right bowlers. Wait a minute, I thought that the shorter form of the game was meant to be just a batsman's glory hunt. You are correct.

Therefore to win you must have bowlers who can both take wickets and stop runs flowing. South Africa had none. Neither did Pakistan. Ditto West Indies and Sri Lanka. Result? England flattered to deceive by getting so far with so little. They were fortunate to play on a few circumspect wickets that suited their bowlers. It's that simple – not a new dawn.

Meanwhile the Chiefs are stuck in a morass of losing and losing badly.

What fans were looking for this season was a new beginning. What we have got so far is not a stutter-start – more of a stutter-slide. True the odd NFL scheduling system (how can the AFL West be matched with the NFL East?) has not helped as the Chiefs were mashed by the Giants, Eagles and Ravens and then, in the only game they really had a chance to win in the first four, stumbled like born losers against the woeful Raiders. Ouch! That one hurt!

Coach Haley is bravely trying to put some sort of face on (perhaps it's a Halloween one so he can't be recognized!) but his coaching staff must be wondering what to do. With a team almost last in team defence and not much better on offence there is not much to cheer them up!

Fact is, when you are not a very good team you must have everything go your way in order to compete and have a chance. If not? Not much hope.

This week the Cowboys visit Arrowhead. I did pick them to beat Denver last week and they just failed. Maybe they don't play well on the road. More likely, they will bushwhack the Chiefs and sentence us to a long wait for a win – any win.

Matt Cassell has been a real disappointment. The running game is poor. Receivers are dropping balls at just the wrong time. The defence is still feeling its way into a 3-4 and cannot make a play when they have to. Too many players are under-performing. It's going to be a long season.

At this rate Coach Haley could be a one year phenomenon.

A Tough Start

malcolmkauffman@beltoncricket.co.uk — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 10:38:00 GMT

NFL Opener

Looking forward to Sunday evening. It's the start of the NFL season and all Chiefs fans are agreed that it can't be as bad as last season. Or could it?

Away at the Baltimore Ravens is not really the game of choice. The Ravens are a truly daunting prospect for the season opener. On the back of an all-conquering defence, Baltimore have had real success both in the regular and post season of late. To that they have added a good offence with second year QB, Joe Flacco, set to build on what was an exceptional rookie year.

In reply, the Chiefs are rebuilding with a new head coach, a new GM, a new defensive system, a new QB and a new-look stadium. Not exactly the ingredients for a huge slice of optimism pie.

Matt Cassell may be the franchise QB we've all been waiting for, but he got smacked around in the pre-season and I predict the coach will not risk him against Baltimore's defence. Certainly he won't start. He may play some. Last year's signal-caller Brodie Croyle will probably get the nod – for all the good it will do him. Tyler Thigpen will play in certain situations and run a bit.

A lot will depend on the rest of the offence. Can they run the ball at all? Not likely. Can they at least keep possession and not fumble or give up interceptions? Not likely.

What about the defence? Can they stop a good Baltimore running game? Possible, but not very likely.

All things point to a long afternoon for the tribe. If they can keep it close and lose by only 10 or less, I suspect the coach will be pleased. So should the fans.

All Sorts of Noises

malcolmkauffman@beltoncricket.co.uk — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 11:14:00 GMT

An enigma with little variation.

From the Chiefs: lots of talk and not a lot of action.

The real news has been the apparent change of emphasis, best illustrated by the treatment of Brian Waters, Larry Johnson and Tony Gonzales.

Chiefs legend Gonzales made no secret he wanted a shot at some sort of play-off glory before he retires. By trading him to Atlanta, the Chiefs were happy to oblige. Actually, what they did was reward him for a Hall of Fame career and, knowing that his best years were behind him, avoided the inevitable and embarrassing slide into mediocrity and a possible media career.

The best wishes of all Chiefs fans go with him.

Waters and Johnson are different matters.

Brian seems to be unhappy, perhaps with his contract – perhaps with the team – perhaps with the new coach and GM. Who knows? In return the management have done exactly the right thing – draft some possible replacements, sign some free agents (without breaking the bank!) and keep their mouth shut.

Time will tell if they can re-invigorate what is a great career and get Waters to let the water flow under the bridge. My prediction: Waters will be a Chief on opening day or he will be traded for a big-time player. Either way – Chiefs win.

Johnson is a problem wrapped up in an enigma folded into a multi-coloured paper fan. What his problem is, who knows? He will be more comfortable and productive in a pro-set offence. He can repeat a 1000 yard rushing season. Will he blend in with the new management and QB? It's anyone's guess.

One thing is for sure – he won't be traded. First, no-one really wants him and second – the Chiefs need his production at RB – even if they have to put up with some antics and his lack of skill and effort in blocking for his QB.

How the Chiefs deal with Brian and Larry will go a long way towards deciding if they can improve on last season's dismal showing.

Football Weather

malcolmkauffman@beltoncricket.co.uk — Sat, 16 May 2009 10:27:00 GMT

Crazy Game!!

They say the old ones are the best. In pointless truisms, it's hard to beat, “Everyone talks about the weather, but no-one ever does anything about it!”

The reason is, of course, obvious. No-one really can do anything about the weather – unless you consider that weather is a subset of climate and believe the Global-Warming Nutters.

So, the humour in the saying about the weather is in it's pointlessness.

Football is different than the weather.

Everyone talks about how various aspects of the game are either silly, unfair, useless or just plain daft. The difference is something could be done, but never is.

So, we had the Chelsea fans and players incensed at the referee who clearly had a very poor game. He missed some obvious and blatant calls. He was doing his best, no doubt, but his best just wasn't good enough.

Something could be done about this. Some examples: give each manager one challenge per half. Ball's out of play, throw the challenge flag – a bit like the NFL. Video replay clearly shows what happened. Video ref overrules the on-field ref. Result; the correct decision is reached. How about using he linesmen (or referee's assistants as they are now called)? Get them off the touch line and onto the pitch. Whilst looking for offsides, let them also spot obvious fouls, etc. and give them a whistle instead of the gay little flag they are so fond of waving about for the referee to ignore! How about the times the ball crosses the goal line and the officials seem to ignore it? Yes, it happens. You've all seen it on TV. Why can't the fourth official simply call the ref and say, “Excuse me, a goal has just been scored!”

Football is full of these crazy situations that should not be tolerated. Cricket and rugby – both as hide-bound sports as you might wish to find at one stage have both embraced the technology required to improve decision-making wholeheartedly.

Why should football be different?

Answer. Easy. Football is run by numpties. Because it is a world game every little country like Tuvalu and Bhutan have a say. The equivalent would be giving a UN veto to all. Nothing ever changes.

It's time for someone to break ranks and stop crazy things from incensing the fans (who pay the money) and the manager who may be out of a job because a simple decision is missed.

Crazy game.

It's the Draft, Stupid

malcolmkauffman@beltoncricket.co.uk — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 21:18:00 GMT

Chiefs get it right - or else!!

The Chiefs have drafted themselves into a corner. New GM Scott Pioli has such a reputation for finding gems in the annual auction that the height of the expectations is only dwarfed by his salary.

Fans are thinking and talking openly about “doing a Miami”. Remember that the Dophins, coming off a disastrous season in 07, signed their top draft choice, OT Jake Long and went on to a winning season.

Fans seem to forget that the NFL draft is a real crap shoot. From the top 250 college players taken most will not be on a roster at the end of the season. Pioli is making the right noises when he explains the success of Tom Brady (a sixth round choice by the Patriots) by reminding us that Tom is the hardest worker he has ever seen – except, perhaps, the new QB incumbent of the Chiefs, Matt Cassel – a seventh round Pats choice. What he's saying is that it is mostly hit and miss and raw talent is handy, but the ability to improve and work hard are probably more important.

So, what will be the Chiefs strategy?

Most expect the Chiefs to be stuck with the number three pick. No matter how hard Pioli tries to unload it, it's going to be difficult. High picks cost so much money nobody really wants them, so it is imperative that Pioli gets it right. Many people are expecting him to go for OLB Aaron Curry. Some think that he might go for Virginia OT, Eugene Monroe. Both look like safe picks on paper. After all the off season activity in bolstering the most feeble line-backing corps in Chiefs history, you might expect Monroe to be the choice. I still think it will be Curry.

With no pick in the second round, it's imperative that the top pick is a player who contributes right now and is a potential Pro-bowler.

As the draft unwinds predictions become too far-fetched to predict. Every team has their draft strategy and mostly this involved selecting the top player on their chart who is still available when the clock starts. Every team says they do this, but in reality they don't.

Take the Chiefs QB status for example. Matt Stafford of Georgia is the top QB and top overall player in this crop of potential first rounders. Even if he is still on the board when the Chiefs pick at three they will not take him. There are no guarantees, especially with QB's. The Chiefs need help at LB and OT. The will take the top pick left at one of those positions even if Stafford is still there.

It's only when you get to rounds three and four (Chiefs have no second round pick) that you might go for the top player left on your board, regardless of position. Teams are made in the draft. Or not made. The Lions (predicted to take Stafford) are perennial early pickers. They almost always get it wrong. The temptation to play safe and go for Curry or Monroe first might be too great to resist. If so, the Chiefs are in real headache country. They would still pass on Stafford and go for the next best OT or DE. So much for taking the top-rated player.

The only sure thing is the speculation is nearly over. Now it's money talks and bull**** walks.

Clarkson Does Football

malcolmkauffman@beltoncricket.co.uk — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 18:13:00 GMT

Jeremy Rocks!

Jeremy Clarkson, when not acting as the peoples' choice for PM, writes for the Sunday Times.

He's now on my team where football is concerned. He says:

“Over the years I have argued that football is a stupid game in which 22 overpaid nancy boys with idiotic hair run around a field attempting to kick an inflated sheep’s pancreas into some netting while an audience of several thousand van drivers beat one another over the head with bottles and chairs.”

Better put, perhaps more witty than I, but without a doubt the most succinct description available for the unwashed masses who inhabit football stadia at weekends and the idiotic game they support. Clarkson rocks.

Point one from Jeremy: “Nor could I understand how someone from Tooting could possibly support, say, Manchester United, a team sponsored by those hateful bastards at AIG and made up of players from Portugal, France, Holland and, in the case of Wayne Rooney, Walt Disney. Where’s the connection? What’s the point?”

So true. The idiots who insist they must have a day off to watch a Man Utd game on TV really are gormless skivers.

And on the day when Jade departed for a politically correct rendezvous with some Indian deity - “And as for those people who can’t cope if their team loses. Give me strength. If you get all teary-eyed just because someone from Latvia, playing in a town you’ve never been to, for an Arab you’ve never met, against some Italians you hate for no reason, has missed a penalty, how are you going to manage when you are diagnosed with cancer?”

I particularly enjoyed his take on some of the more inane antics of the crowd at football matches:

“The other advantage of being there is that on television the microphones are positioned so you can’t hear the chants. I’d heard, of course, about this mass spontaneity over the years, usually when a team is playing Liverpool. “Sign on. Sign on. With a pen in your hand. Cos you’ll ne . . . ver get a job.” Or: “The wheels on your house go round and round. Round and round. Round and round.”

There are others too. Plymouth Argyll refer to any team they play as northern bastards. Then you have the Charlton fans who travelled down the M4 to Reading recently and, having failed to think of any suitable abuse, came up with: “What’s it like to live in Wales?”

The Chelsea fans topped all this last Sunday with a nonstop song, the lyrics of which were: “F*** off, Robinho. F*** off, Robinho. F*** off, Robinho.” I joined in wholeheartedly, even though I wasn’t entirely sure who Mr Robinho was and why I wanted him to eff off so much.”

Jeremy's experience reminded me of the first live football match I ever saw. Charlton Athletic v Colchester Utd a the “old” Valley in the 1970's. It was Easter time and a bumper crowd of about 300 were on the terraces. Terraces where you could comfortably fit the residents of Milton Keynes and have plenty of spare room. Because the crowd was so small you could hear exactly what the players were saying to each other and, more importantly, to the match officials. It only took me five minutes to realise that football is a stupid game played by morons who have all the charm of a spitting camel and the wit of a word that sounds like wit but starts with the letter S.

Experiences after that include two cup matches at Norwich City. First a game against Liverpool. John Barnes was playing. He'd just been heaped with lavish praise in the media for the wonder goal he scored against Brazil in an international match. Norwich fans response? They “invented” a chant that went: “He's black, he's bent, his bum is up for rent, Johnie Barnes, Johnie Barnes.” Barnsie smiled at the crowd.

Next a game versus Tottenham Hotspur with the “fountain”, Paul Gascgoine, in their team. Fan's chant? “You fat bastard!” Gazza smiled.

Last word to Clarkson.

“After the game I was taken to the Chelsea dressing room so that I could admire all the players’ penises – many were very enormous indeed. I talked to Roman Abramovich, who was charming, and Lampard, who, having just run around for 90 minutes, still found the energy to get the entire team to sign my boy’s Chelsea shirt. I don’t do that for kids who come to the Top Gear studio and I’m supposed to be the public-school-educated toff.

So there we are, then. I am now a football fan. I know this because in one afternoon I learnt I’m not a football fan at all. I’m a fan of Chelsea. Chelsea are the only team that can play. Chelsea players have by far the most impressive reproductive organs. Stamford Bridge is my church. The men who play there are my Gods.

In short, I have a team, and that’s what’s always been missing. Because I was born in Doncaster.”

Clarkson for PM.

Sports Combine - February 2009

malcolmkauffman@beltoncricket.co.uk — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 14:53:00 GMT

A round up of current issues.

Kansas City Chiefs

With a new coach and GM it's all down to the draft for the Chiefs this season. It is surprising how easy it is to go from 2-14 to 10-6. Hope springs eternal. With a proven, but untried at this level, GM in Scott Pioli and rookie head coach in Todd Haley, the Chiefs enter new territory. An assessment will be made after the draft. Even though it is supposed to be a “thin” year for QB's I expect the Chiefs to take one in the first five rounds; for, without some production and leadership from the QB position KC is going to suffer no matter what else they do. The Chiefs faithful are in for an interesting six months.

England Cricket Tour of the West Indies

You have to be a real optimist to gather much excitement or optimism from the England performances in the WI so far. Strangely marmalised in the First Test, crazily being party to a two over test match at the Viv Richards Stadium, and then missing a golden opportunity to square the series at the ACG does not fill one with a large cup of optimism coffee sweetened with sun-kissed horizons.

It's a mess. A big mess.

The ECB have really got to hold up their hand and admit that they have made some immaculate, spectacular boners in the last few months.

First, Sir Alan Stanford is probably going to jail for fraud. The ECB idiots has only recently pledged (or mortgaged if you prefer) the future of English cricket to this wide boy whose only claim to fame so far has been being photographed groping the English WAGS.

Now Freddie Flintoff has succumbed to yet another injury with the Ashes on the horizon. Yet the ECB have sanctioned releasing the contracted players so they can cash in on the mega-bucks of the IPL.

Nasser Hussein and Mike Atherton (both ex-England captains) consider this madness. The ECB should have had the guts to tell the contracted players they can either forego the wonga of the England contact, or they can go to India and take the risk of losing their guaranteed income.

Perhaps the ECB now stands for Elastically Contracting Balls?

Our only hope: the Aussies seem to be having some uncharacteristically English-like problems of their own.

NCFC

As the Canaries slip deeper and deeper into Relegation Quagmire (that's on the A11, just south of the Thickthorn Roundabout) and contemplate life in what would be the old Division Three, there is only one positive sign on the horizon. St Delia and Dippy Doncaster may be about to take a big bite from the We've Run Out of Ideas Since Our Last Ditch Plan to Smokescreen the Fans (and save loads of money) With the Brian Gunn Appointment Burger and run up the surrender flag.

The further NCFC fall the louder the clamour for the board to shoulder most of the blame will be. Gunny is a Norwich City legend. Delia ain't. Unless they win two of the next three games, expect the clamour to reach a howl – and a shrill one at that.

Great Scott

malcolmkauffman@beltoncricket.co.uk — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 16:51:00 GMT

Chiefs appoint new GM!

It's been anything but a quiet off-season for the 2-14 Chiefs.

King Carl Petersen has gone into a well-deserved retirement – to be replaced by Scott Pioli, who comes from the Patriots organisation and with a big reputation for building winning football teams.

His work is cut out for him.

His first decision, get rid of Coach Herm Edwards, maybe a good one – but that rather depends on who he can entice to replace him. I expect the fans are clamouring for Bill Cowher, a Super Bowl winning coach with the Steelers. I expect it will be someone else.

The Chiefs bloggers are rampant with the idea that Pioli will turn the team around and begin winning again. They maybe right. Actually, the Chiefs were not that far away from 7-9 instead of the 2-14 they actually returned. What will be crucial is who they get to coach and who they get to play QB.

Whilst Pioli may not be a miracle worker, I expect that he saw a lot of potential in the Chiefs or he would not have been temped away from New England. I expect he sees a winning season next year as a distinct possibility. I expect he has a plan. I don't expect he's going to tell us what it is. We'll probably find out on draft day.

With top five selections he will be looking to draft starters, and quality potential pro Bowl starters, in the first three rounds.

He may go the free agent route with the QB situation – especially if Matt Cassel is available.

Whatever happens, I expect him to make an immediate improvement in the Chiefs draft production, as by all accounts he was instrumental in the Patriots successes in identifying talent and signing it.

History tells us that the Chiefs organisation will be patient, but a lot of fans and commentators will be looking for some sign of immediate improvement.

Me too.

Don't go down that road!

malcolmkauffman@beltoncricket.co.uk — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 15:01:00 GMT

Please, please get sensible!

Finally. A win, and even better, a win over the Raiders. Praise be the Lord!

Already (and very unfortunately) the KC media have started overplaying their hand – like the poker player who has just drawn a card to the inside of a straight, the pundits are talking up a Chiefs revival led by Tyler Thigpen.

This is a distraction and we've been here before. Last year it was Brodie Croyle who would lead the tribe of the chosen people to the promised land. After his season-ending injury it was anyone who could stand up and throw the ball. Now it's Tyler.

This has got to stop.

If not, we go to the next training camp with a QB controversy. Tyler or Brodie. The scenario is well-known and well-scripted. These two battle it out for the starting job – distracting the team and the coaches from the real business of winning football matches. You end up with a starter who is always looking over his shoulder. There are examples of how disastrous this is and you don't have far to go. Just look at the Bears and the Bills. Both teams decided to swap horses in a fast-flowing stream this week and got so wet they nearly sank out of sight. The Chiefs must not go down that road.

The management must get smart. Draft a high-profile QB who will start next season. Decide to keep either Tyler or Brodie as backup. Get a franchise QB who will lead the team for the next decade. That is the only way.

Just look at the QB's taken this year. Joe Flacco is doing very well thank you in Baltimore. True, he has a good team to work with; but for a QB taken relatively low in the draft, he is making all the right moves. Over in Atlanta Matt Ryan is leading a poor team steeped in soul-destroying self doubt by the Vick saga to a play-off berth. And, according to the experts this was a poor year for QBs. The brave choice is to take the top QB in the draft – particularly as the Chiefs are likely to be picking in the 3,4,5 slot again.

In the Tyler Thigpen hype we are suffering from at the moment, it is forgotten that last April the Chiefs could have drafted either Ryan or Flacco. Certainly, they could have had Flacco easily He was taken 18^th when the Chiefs had already had two picks. To get Ryan, taken at three, might have involved a trade, but it could have been done.

Next year looks a good one for QBs. Pundits are listing two in the top three picks, Bradford of Oklahoma and Stafford of Georgia – one of whom will probably be available when the Chief's turn comes.

The Chiefs must get off the fence and grab one. Fans are rightly getting fed up with the “build through the draft” scenario. This only works if you truly build in all positions. It's time to take a risk. Pay the big bucks. Go for broke. Grab the best QB that fits and give him the team.

If not, five years of mediocrity is almost ensured.