None More Norfolk

Customer Service? Ha ha ha!

simonalcock@uk2.net — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 23:50:00 GMT

I have been suffering from blog writer's block for a couple of days. As I mentioned in my last entry, over the weekend, I participated in the UK amateur poker chapionships. The tournament started shortly after 2.30pm saturday. I won a few hands, lost a few hands and nothing signifcant happened until my departure shortly before 10.30pm. I discovered that weekends in a Holiday Inn in Walsall are not the the stuff that reams of flowery prose are made of, hence my dilemma. What should my next blog entry be about?
This morning, like a raincoat-wearing pervert flashing at strangers, suddenly all was revealed. My moment of epiphany came in the unlikely setting of Asda's Norwich petrol station. Eschewing my usual setting of County Hall, I was on my merry way to a day's work in Dereham library when I stopped for fuel. I first approached one of those pumps which allows you to pay there and then rather than having to make your way over to the member of staff in the kiosk. Unfortunately, the card reader said 'Sale cancelled' when my (Asda) credit card was inserted, in the same way it had done on every visit over the last two months. The forecourt was busy, so I drove out of the exit and went back round to the entrance. As I approached one of the pumps, a member of staff was putting cones out to prevent that pump from being used. I lowered my passenger-side window and asked if some cones could be put around the pump I had tried to use as there was clearly a fault. The response was a brusque 'I can't do everything at once'. Somewhat taken aback, I mentioned that I felt the pump in question had been faulty for some time, in response to which this charming lady shouted 'Well go somewhere else next time'.
At this point, the clouds edged aside to allow a lonely sunbeam to shine down upon me whilst the choir invisible serenaded my sanctified soul. Brothers and sisters, I saw the light and what I saw was good. Rather than waste my spiritual energy on complaining about inept, disgraceful customer service, and I use the words 'customer service' in their loosest-possible meaning, it was plain I should take heed of the words of this soothsayer and in future worship at the temples of Tesco, Sainsbury or Morrisons. Hallelujah!

Over the Hills and Far away

simonalcock@uk2.net — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 23:06:00 GMT

Tomorrow I am braving the polar bears and penguins that are apparently currently parading along the A14 so I can go to Walsall. If you're thinking there's not much in Walsall to make a journey worthwhile in treacherous conditions, you'd be right. On saturday I am taking part in the UK amateur poker championships which are taking place at the Grosvenor casino in that particularly delightful part of the midlands. At about 2.30pm on saturday, about 200 players will settle down to do battle, with between 20 and 30 returning on sunday to play to a conclusion. I've played in 4 such events over the past 2 years and not got anywhere near the prize money. However, I work hard on my game and have made a number of improvements since the last event I played in back in September. I genuinely think of got as good a chance of winning as anyone else, so when I've picked up the trophy and cheque for £3500, done my interview with Sky TV and decided which Hollywood starlet I will allow to take me out for a night on Prince of Wales Road, maybe, just maybe I might..............
Oh stuff it, back to work tuesday.

Yes readers, I am still here

simonalcock@uk2.net — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 22:59:00 GMT

I'm not going to waste time commenting on the recent goings on at Carrow Road, suffice to say things can't get any worse than they are at present. The sacking of Glenn Roeder has to be a positive thing though, as I can't think of any club where the manager has shown such contempt for his team's supporters.
Tomorrow night, I am at Wensum Lodge for the third lesson of a short creative writing course. So far, we have been concentrating on poetry. Fear not blog readers, I have no intention of posting any of my efforts on this forum. However, the last two lessons have succeeded in peering into the deepest recesses of my brain, blowing away the cobwebs and firing-up the engines for the first time in years. So far, I've been pleasantly surprised with the results and no, I have not started any of my creations with 'There was a young lady from Ealing'.
On Wednesday, I'm at the UEA for a 5 band line-up headlined by Mindless Self Indulgence. As I mentioned in my last entry on 7th January, this is a band that ticks the boxes marked 'Top Tunes','Original','Lunatic frontperson' and 'Damn good fun'.
I suspect I am the only person on the face of the planet who can say without a trace of irony, that I am looking forward to a trip to Walsall. On February 7th and 8th, I am taking part in the UK amateur poker championships. Ah yes, I can see it now, next year, when my duties as Poet Laureate permit it, I shall traverse the globe as one of the world's leading professional poker players. Either that or I'll still be working in a call centre, driving a 20 year old car and living in a 1 bedroom flat. Mmm.....as Blondie once sung, dreaming is free.

Gig of the year 2008

simonalcock@uk2.net — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 22:29:00 GMT

Occasionally, I read good reports about a band's gigs and buy a ticket to see them without having heard a note of their music. I did this in February 1990 when a group who were almost unknown in this country played at the UEA. They were the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.
The only time I employed the same strategy during 2008, I attended what was easily my most enjoyable gig of the year. The band concerned were Mindless Self Indulgence. The reason why I rated the gig in question so highly was not that the band don't sound like a facsimile of several bands I've seen before, its not that their frontman straddles the completely bonkers/firmly in control divide, its not even that they passed the 'did-I-make-a-complete-tool-of-myself-at-some-point-and-love-every-minute-of-it' test. No. MSI were responsible for one of the funniest things I will ever see. In the midst of what was probably the liveliest crowd I've seen at The Waterfront, with bodies flying in all directions, at one point three blokes decided to play patta-cake patta-cake and were instantly surrounded by a further dozen or so concert goers dancing around them in a circle. I can't remember the last time I laughed so much. Any band who can provoke otherwise rational beings to make exhibitions of themselves, gets lots of brownie points from me and I can't wait to see what jolly japes the crowd indulge in when MSI play at the UEA on the 21st of this month.

Album of the year

simonalcock@uk2.net — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 22:15:00 GMT

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As another year draws to a close, I thought I'd nominate my favourite album and live act of 2008. In the unlikely event of anyone connected with either winning band reading this, sorry there is no actual prize associated with winning. You will merely have the deep satisfaction and inner glow generated by knowing that, if I'm lucky, as many as 20 people will read what i've written then head out to purchase CDs and Gig tickets. When you notice your sales figures going through the roof, remember me, post some contact details and send me the commission.

Before naming names, I might point out there are two acts I've disqualified. Firstly, I saw The Police at the Manchester Arena and whilst they were excellent, I find it difficult to compare a band I've seen at a venue of that size to, say, an act third on the bill at the Norwich Art Centre. Therefore, to make my decision easier, The Police were not considered. The other band to be disqualified for no other reason than it makes my brain hurts less are The Levellers. As I've seen them fourteen times and they've never been anything less than excellent, I find it hard to be objective about them so they haven't won anything either. Having said that, the Album they released this year 'Letters from the underground' is their best since 'Levelling the Land' in 1991 and is highly recommended.

The band who have produced my favourite album of the last year were completely unknown to me before a chance encounter. I first saw Imperial Leisure when they played at the UEA 4th on the bill supporting Less Than Jake. The band had taken the stage just before I arrived and as soon as I walked in, a smile appeared on my face. Imperial Leisure are one of those bands I tend to develop a soft spot for who regard genres as being meaningless and do what they do just because. They've got three vocalists, a guitarist,drummer,bass guitarist,DJ,Keyboard player and the stage was so crowded,for all I know they may have had someone hidden at the back of the stage playing a kazoo. The music they play has elements of rock,rap,ska,reggae, Mexican mariachi and whatever else takes their fancy. I downloaded their album 'The art of saying nothing' within 24 hours of the gig and there isn't a duff track on it. My personal favourite is 'The Beast'. If you can listen to 'Man on the street' without grinning inanely and feeling an irresistible urge to dance, it may be wise to check your pulse for signs of life. Imperial Leisure are appearing at the Norwich Art Centre on 14th of February for the bargain price of £6 and you will not get better value than that all year.

Near religious experience

simonalcock@uk2.net — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 17:04:00 GMT

I don't indulge in making new year's resolutions, but over the Christmas/New year break I always spend a few moments deep in thought. There's one particular day I cogitate over as it provides some important salutary lessons.
On 23rd December 1989 I went fishing on Rockland Broad with one of my cousins. We arranged to meet at dawn in the small car park at the end of Rockland village staithe and planned on staying on the water until the light began to fade. I've always enjoyed the journey to this particular expanse of water; upon leaving Trowse it feels like moving onto a different planet where serenity reigns and calmness pervades all. The early morning run through Bramerton and Surlingham leads me to look at every nuance of the road surface, every bird shooting from the hedgerow and ponder why life isn't this good every day. As the destination draws nearer, if lucky, there is often a multi-hued sky of yellows,reds,blues and oranges.
   After embarking upon a rowing boat, there is then the journey along Rockland dyke and onto the broad proper. This part of the journey is best appreciated on days with absolutely no wind. On days like these,the point at which dyke becomes broad opens a vista of boat lane marker posts stretching off into the distance and swans gliding across the water between isolated wisps of early morning mist.
   I can't remember what my cousin and I caught on the day in question; if I remember rightly, I caught nothing at all, but as dusk fell, we headed home. After tethering our boat and loading all our equipment into our cars, we set off. At the time I was sharing a house with one of my brothers. I'd arranged for my cousin to come round for tea and watch some football on TV. He set off slightly ahead of me and as I knew my brother wasn't at home, I put my foot down so I could catch up to ensure my cousin wouldn't have to wait outside for long.
Driving at 55mph along unlit country roads isn't recommended in the Highway Code and I found out why as I clipped a low bank on the side of the road and rolled the car. I can still vividly remember each part of the accident, as my car slid along on the driver's side then roof then passenger side then upright again before coming to rest when hitting a similar low bank on the opposite side of the road approximately 100 yards away from where I'd lost control. This may say an awful lot about me, but at no point during this incident did I fear for my personal safety. The only thing going through my mind was "The car may well be a write-off, s***, this is going to be expensive." Damage to the car was extensive. The bumpers had been ripped off, all tyres had burst, all wheels were buckled, there was no glass left in any of the windows, the doors were so badly bent out of shape they couldn't be opened and the roof was 6 inches lower than it should have been. I felt fine, so climbed out through where my front windscreen had been and autopilot told me I had work to do. The nearest phonebox was half a mile away, so I flagged-down the next passing car and got the driver to give me a lift. I rang my father to collect me and also rang the police as the debris strewn across the road was a hazard to other vehicles. The chap who gave me a lift drove off whilst I was making my calls, so I had to walk back to my car and got there just as a police car arrived. I remained calm as I told the policeman what happened and he gave me a breath test. Shortly afterwards, my father and elder sister arrived. I left the policeman and my father at the scene so my sister could take me to hospital to be checked. Although I felt great, I looked a mess as there was blood all over my face. I think it must have been the realisation that there was no more I could do, but the moment I sat in the car with my sister in the driver's seat, autopilot became disengaged and I burst into floods of tears.
   To cut a long story short, I escaped serious injury. The blood on my face came from a tiny cut above my left ear, I had minor whiplash for a couple of days and woke the following morning to find my pillow covered in tiny slivers of glass. A few days later, I went to the vehicle recovery yard my car had been taken to so I could collect a few personal effects. I can remember the boss of the firm saying how lucky I was to have got out at all as he had seen a lot of cars with considerably less damage where the occupants hadn't survived.
   I can't pretend that I always see a glass as half full, but whenever I'm unhappy or feeling a little sorry for myself, one of the things I do to perk myself up is to think how damned lucky I am to be here at all to feel unhappy. It could easily have been so different.

Television - Drug of the nation

simonalcock@uk2.net — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 22:53:00 GMT

Sorry folks, I've been neglecting my blogging duties. Unfortunately, I spent most of last week off work sick. I'd hate to be responsible for perpetuating the myth that men exaggerate their symptoms to gain sympathy, so I won't regale you with details of what was wrong with me.
     However, I have something which is troubling me as a result of last week's inactivity. I have come to the conclusion that there is a government conspiracy to encourage people to get back to work by imposing a harshly-low upper limit on the permissible quality of daytime TV. By daytime I'm referring to the period between the end of breakfast TV and children's programming beginning in the afternoon. As far as I can see there are only subtle variations of three programs available during this period. There is the home purchasing/makeover one, the make money from selling stuff one and the laugh at thick people arguing over their relationship issues one.
      Let me work through each one in turn. I have never understood the attraction of watching a show where people ask a presenter to help them spend the £500k burning a hole in their pockets on a new home in the countryside. Clearly, the only reason for wanting to appear on this type of program is to flick a v-sign at those too poor to afford to buy a Cotswold mansion or live within 10 miles of Burnham Market. If there was more variety in the people appearing or the properties they are allegedly searching for, I may be more interested. Have they ever featured someone looking to spend £80000 on a 1 bedroom flat in Mile Cross? Of course not. I rest my case.
    Next we have the selling stuff shows. I have no issue whatsoever with Bargain Hunt but am irritated by the plethora of shows where the participants pretend to get excited that some 'expert' or other has been rummaging in the garden shed and found some long forgotten piece of tat which may reach as much as, ooh, the excitement is killing me, £5 at auction. I didn't used to have any violent objection to 'Cash in the attic' but there seems to be a number of almost identical shows which use marginally altered names. Aside from the repetition, what annoys me is the assumption that the viewing public's brain has exited stage left. Oh, so until the film crew appeared on your doorstep, you didn't realise you had a valuable vase on your mantelpiece or a Victorian grandfather clock in your hallway? Hmm, really? The reason you're selling every fixture and fitting from your home is that you want to put together enough money to buy a tank of petrol for a daytrip to Yarmouth? Don't believe you!
   Finally we have, OK let's name them, Jeremy Kyle and Trisha Goddard. To the casual observer, these may appear very similar, but believe me they are so very different. I find Mr Kyle to be one of the most objectionable people on TV. Whatever the subject under debate, it may be a paternity test, it may be infidility (thats about it really), this chap seems to follow almost the same script every day. He furrows his brow at the same point, he does the concerned look towards the audience at the same point and there are stock phrases which are used every day. No doubt if he was asked to mediate between two heads of state about to declare war on each other, he would tell one of them to 'Get off your backside and get a job'. However, I feel Trisha Goddard falls on the opposite side of the trashy exploitation/well actually, maybe-these-people-might-actually-get-some-benefit-out-of-this divide. At least Ms Goddard does appear to have the knowledge and background to genuinely assist and retains control of proceedings without ever relenting to the angry mob.
   If anyone reading this feels I've been unfairly critical, don't be afraid to post a response and tell me why my views are wrong. If you need any ammunition to fire at me, you may care to use the fact that I once auditioned for that shining beacon of all that is best in educational broadcasting 'Family Fortunes'.
   Sometime in the next few days I will post a blog entry entitled 'Christmas? Bah humbug'

Bliss

simonalcock@uk2.net — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 16:11:00 GMT

Norwich beat Ipswich 2-0. I'm going to the UEA tonight to see my favourite band, The Levellers. If its true that good things come in threes, then in the next couple of hours, Cameron Diaz will ring me to ask if I fancy meeting her for a drink.

Iraq

simonalcock@uk2.net — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 23:38:00 GMT

There aren't many TV programs I make a point of watching, but Imagine on BBC1 last night intrigued me. It was a documentary about Acrassicauda, an Iraqi heavy metal band. I decided to tune in mainly because I have a predilection for that style of music, but the program turned out to be more thought provoking than anticipated as, far from being merely the tale of a struggling band, it used them as a vehicle for examining changes to the daily routine of normal Iraqis.
When Acrassicauda played a gig during the reign of Saddam Hussein,they were required to perform a song in praise of the then regime. Sometime after the second gulf war had ended, the band were shown playing another concert where they had to gain permission from the new regime to perform. After two songs, an official forced them to cut short their set and they were replaced by some traditional Iraqi folk musicians who had gained approval by the ruling authorities. I think I may have to pick up a dictionary and check my understanding of the word freedom.
Overall, the picture was of extreme lawlessness, of a place where any form of art or self expression required official approval and of a place most normal people couldn't wait to get away from. Apparently, since Saddam was toppled, 1.2 million Iraqi refugees have fled to Syria alone whilst the USA has accepted either 450 or 4500; I don't feel that figure requires further comment.
When the program finished, I found myself not contemplating anything to do with the featured band, but going back over the justifications for the second gulf war. I don't think even Tony Blair believed the west was going to find weapons of mass destruction. I certainly couldn't defend allowing someone like Saddam to retain power, but if changing a murderous regime really was what motivated those in control of the invading forces, why hasn't Robert Mugabe been assasinated yet? I can't pretend to be an expert in middle eastern politics in general or Iraqi politics in particular, but in view of what I witnessed last night, maybe someone could explain how the lives of normal Iraqis have improved since the regime was changed?

Where is my day of rest?

simonalcock@uk2.net — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 23:11:00 GMT

After a prolonged bout of what can best be described as sporadic activity, my social diary has burst into life with a vengence this week with the appearance of several old favourites. Last night I went to the UEA to see Primal Scream, I've been horseracing at Fakenham this afternoon, Thursday night i'm at The Waterfront to see Bad Manners, Friday its Rich Hall at the Playhouse, Saturday I've got a party at a friend's house and Sunday i'm seeing The Levellers, for the fourteenth time, at the UEA. If only every body could get together to ensure that my nights out are more evenly spaced out in future.........
Don't these people realise I have christmas presents to buy?

If I was a rich man.......

simonalcock@uk2.net — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 19:17:00 GMT

Today, tomorrow and monday I'm taking time away from work. Today I've been indulging in one of my passions by playing online poker. I've been playing for about 3 years and take the game very seriously. Unless there's a specific program I want to watch, my evenings at home are normally spent playing poker rather than watching TV. I've been to Las Vegas twice and this year have also played tournaments in Cardiff, Edinburgh and London; the photograph of me on this blog was taken at the Grosvenor Casino on Edgware Road in London. To prevent me from losing money I can't afford to lose, I keep a running profit and loss for the year. Things are going well at the moment and for the last few weeks, I've been making a steady profit of £30-£40 per week. Last week I made about £175 and this week I am also in the black. One thing that I haven't yet done and I would like to do some time next year is to take part in a professional tournament. This time next year I will be a millionaire!

Facebook - The work of Satan

simonalcock@uk2.net — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 13:41:00 GMT

On friday, I had a night on the town with a large group of colleagues. We started in The Glasshouse then moved onto The Waterfront for 80s night. Ignoring the barman at the latter venue who gave me change for a fiver when I know I handed him a tenner, a fun night was had by all. However, there is a rising menace which casts a shadow over all such evenings of jollity. The increased use of social networking sites means that in any large group of people out for a glass of lemonade or three, there will always be one or two individuals with digital cameras who are prepared to download evidence of the evenings misdeeds to a website where everyone can see how silly you looked when trying to perform 'YMCA'.
Nevermind a smoking ban, I am formally starting a campaign to ban cameras in any public venue where alcohol is served. Just say no to Facebook.

Credit where it is due

simonalcock@uk2.net — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 23:32:00 GMT

Message

I perhaps should have mentioned this last week, but one of my posts has already produced an interesting response.

My second entry was a question about the finances at Norwich City. One of my colleagues took it upon himself to print a copy of my question and took it to the Norwich City AGM with the intention of putting my point to the board. He didn't get an opportunity on the night, but the following day an email was sent to the club which elicited a response from Neil Doncaster, the chief executive. As a result, my colleague and Mr Doncaster spoke on the phone and my question was answered. I'm not going to repeat verbatim what was said, suffice to say my colleague felt that my point had been fully adressed.

My reason for posting today's entry is to say how pleasantly surprised I was that the club took the trouble to contact a supporter to address their concerns. I wonder whether Manchester United or Chelsea fans ever receive the same degree of interaction?

Easy like Sunday morning

simonalcock@uk2.net — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 21:22:00 GMT

Message

I spent a few hours today relaxing by fishing from a boat on the River Bure. One of the reasons I like living in Norfolk is that there are plenty of areas where it is possible to spend a few moments cut off from the majority of civilisation. Once the boat traffic has eased for the year, generally around the end of October, It is possible to find your own private corner of the county where the only company is likely to come in the form of a Kingfisher,Heron or Otter. The fact that I caught nothing today is wholly unimportant; the few hours I managed watching each ripple on the water and trying to work out how many colours could be seen on the surrounding trees have untold value. Life would be so much nicer if I could manage a few minutes of this every day.

Finnish Culture part 2

simonalcock@uk2.net — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 22:06:00 GMT

Message

Have you ever been to a dinner party and wished you could regale everyone with obscure facts that none of the other guests know? Have you ever watched Q.I. and empathised with Alan Davies after Stephen Fry has shot him down in flames? Have you every felt like an intellectual midget? Fear not, for help is at hand. In this, the second part of my occasional series 'Finnish heavy metal bands', you will know a little more of a subject none of your friends will know. How many people do you think will be (a) reading this stuff (b) have a clue what I'm talking about? Exactly! Memorise the information contained herein and you too could be the envy of your friends the next time you're relaxing at the end of a meal, drinking coffee and passing round the After Eights.

Strangely enough, today's group, Turisas, came to prominence as a support act to Lordi on the latter's first tour of Britain after their Eurovision Song Contest triumph. Turisas can most politely be described as 'Visually striking'. The less charitable amongst you would probably describe them as 'Weird' or 'A bunch of freaks'. Each member of the band covers themself in stripes of orange and black facepaint. They wear what appear to be animal skins for that authentic norse-warrior-out-for-a-bit-of-pillaging look. Simon Cowell would never let them past the first stages of the X-factor auditions as they include a pretty 18 year old blonde on accordian, Giant Haystacks on bass and Catweazle playing guitar. If you can't raise a smile when looking at a photo of Turisas, then I suggest you ring NHS direct on 0845 4647. They play no nonsense heavy rock infused with subtle soupcons of folk music aided by the aforementioned accordian player and a virtuoso violinist. To date, their most successful release has been a heavy metal cover version of 'Rasputin' by Boney-M. Yes you did read that last bit correctly.

Today's entry may in itself seem insignificant, but in time, if you cut out and keep all the entries on this blog concerning Finnish Culture, you WILL be the envy of your friends.